It's monday. Another hell of a week, di na ako nauubusan ng trabaho, but I love it! I love mondays, it disregards me of everything.
"Ate Joy, paki prepare yung check kasi pupunta na akong bangko. Paki sulat na din ng breakdown ng pera."
It's March 20th and it's pay day. Kaya lang busy din ako kasi may mga bago kaming hire and wala pa silang cash cards so mag wiwithdraw muna ako ng sweldo for them.
"Trizz, aalis yung van after 15 minutes, sasabay ka na ba?"
"Yes, sir!"
Half ata ng trabaho ko ay leg work. Kasi nag resign yung assistant ko so imbes na magmokmok sa desk ko at humarap sa maraming papel at ma-tempt mag facebook ay ako na mismo ang lumalakad para ma divert ko ang pag-iisip ko.
Dalawabg buwan na mahigit ng nag break kami ng long time boyfriend ko. Kayat hanggat maari ay ayokong magkaroon ng free time. Mababaliw ako.
"Ate joy, alis na ako. Kayo muna maiwan sa office."
"No problem, Trizz. Ingat."
"Thanks ate."
Walang nakakaalam ng pinagdadaanan ko bukod sa bestfriend ko na busy naman sa lovelife. Hayun at pumunta na naman ng ibang lugar kasi sinama ng boyfirend niya. Okay lang naman din sa akin kasi syempre ayokong malungkot naman siya. Dalawa pa kaming baliw.
Pagkadating ko sa bangko ay pagkahaba-haba naman ng pila. Seriously? Ganito kaagad kahaba? 10am palang? Anyway wala naman akong magagawa kundi ang pumila at maghintay.
Habang nakapila ay bumabalik-balik sa isipan ko ang nabasa ko a month ago. Hanggang ngayun narito parin ang feeling na masakit. Parang may tumutusok. Kaya ayokong nababakante. Nagiging emotional ako. I shook my head and concentrate, Trizz Ysabel Mendoza, hindi ka dapat mag emote! Paulit ulit ko yung sinabi sa sarili ko para kahit papano ay madistract ako sa kakaisip.
I opted to get my cellphone and decided to torture myself more. Bakit nga ba hindi ko nalang sanayin ang sarili ko hanggang sa mamanhid ako?
Flashback.
"Happy 2nd year anniversary honey!"
Sabay kaming humagalpak ng tawa. Paano ba kasi isang oras na kaming nag uusap pero lahat naman ay random lang. Wala ngang topic basta may masabi lang. Sa dalawang taon ba naman na relasyon namin, wala akong masabi. I am very contented. Mahal ko siya at alam ko na mahal niya ako. We're inevitable.
"I love you so much hon. Happy anniversary."
Ngumiti ako kahit hindi niya nakikita, sa cellphone lang kasi kami nagbabatian because it's midnight. Tuwing monthsarry ay walang palya kaming gising hanggang midnight para mag unahan nang pag greet.
"I love you so much too hon. Happy second anniversarry."
Ganyan kami every month.
Hanggang sa half way ng pangatlong taon namin ay nagkalabuan kami. Actually ako. I am confuse. At nawalan ako ng gana sa kanya, because maybe I was expecting too much from him pero hindi niya naibigay. I was very fond of him na gusto ko ay lage ko siyang makita at sa lahat ng event ay kasama pero he was kinda busy with his stuffs too. I asked for a break, I'm very sure I needed it this time because ayaw ko na mawala kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko. Ayaw niyang pumayag, pero ako, my decision is stiff. I need a break.
We still get in touch though, pero as much as possible gusto ko na mag-initiate siya na bisitahin ako. Pero wala. He never did. Until one day, he did not text too. I was curious but wasn't alarmed.
Nalaman ko nalang na may iba na pala siyang pinagkakaabalahan. He found a new lover.
Hindi ako naniwala but a lot of people told me about it. So I confirmed it. Ako mismo ang nagtanong sa kanya.
I was confident, he loves me. He can't do that.
Pero.... You can not always expect the unexpected.
It was true, siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin.
"I'm sorry Trizz, hindi na kita mahal. Wala na akong nararamdaman sayo."
I was dumb founded. Did I hear it right?
Tumingin ako sa kanya.
"Paanong? Bakit?" Was all I managed to say.
Hindi ko maintindihan? Anong nagawa ko? Was I too confident?
Tama nga sila, tsaka mo lang malalaman ang halaga ng isang bagay kung mawala na ito sayo.
In just a slip of my finger, I lost him. The man I will always love.
At first I was angry. Hindi sa kanya kundi sa babae niya. Maybe because I can't entirely blame him, after all it was my choice. I let him slipped.
I know I was to blame but what can I do? I can't think straight so sa babae niya ako nagalit. If she did not took advantage the vulnerability of my ex, he will not do this to me.
But who am I to tell that? Who am I kidding?
I begged for his love. I know it's pretty crazy but I am desperate. I did all the stupid thing just to win him back.
But again. I lost him. I lost him more than i lost him before.
Awang-awa ako sa sarili ko. Ganito ba talaga ako kababa? Hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito?
I cried hard. Everyday I cried hard. I learn to drink to keep me from being crazy. Pero wala... Hindi ko na maintindihan.
Hanggang isang araw, hindi na ako umiyak. Siguro I was emotionally tired. Nag focus nalang ako sa pag-aaral. I tried to forget him, even though from time to time I see him in my mind. But it was a success. I learn to accept things and move on....
Lumipas ang dalawang buwan at na parang dalawang taon. Ang hirap hirap pero on the other side I'm proud of myself. I'm coping.
Until one fine day my mother teased me.
"Nak, tignan mo status ni Leon, may na mimiss daw siya. Malay mo ikaw yan."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously?
"Wala akong pakialam ma."
"Bahala ka." She smiled creepily.
Binalewala ko yun pero deep inside every nerve or me was hoping. Sana totoo. Pero ayaw ko naman maging assuming so I act as if I'm not affected.
Then out of the blue ay may nag text sa akin. Of course I knew who he is, I still have his number.
*How are u, Trizz?
Natigagal ako. Text palang yan di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Dapat ba akong mag reply? Aasa na naman ako at masasaktan?
Ilang minuto ko atang tinutukan yung text niya deciding to text back or ignore him. Paano nalang kung iba pala sa ineexpect ko ang sabihin niya? Takte baka mabaliw na ako.
Sa huli nagpakabaliw parin ako. I replied him. Gaga na kung gaga.
