A Mess Of Thoughts

This is a story about a girl who wasn't quite "normal", at least not according to the world around her. She didn't particularly like dresses or makeup or gossip, or really pretty much whatever her mother wanted. Wow, I guess I should stop talking about myself in the third person, it's getting pretty weird. So yeah, this is a story about me, I'm that "abnormal" little girl you read about, except for one little lie, I'm not a girl, well, I mean, everyone else seems to think that, but I know I'm not. Now, I know you're thinking, "wait, you're not a girl? Then what are you, a boy?" And in answer to that question, no, I'm not a boy either. I'm just, well, me. I like to read, write, draw, hang out, just like you, well probably not just like you, (I've been given the impression that I'm one of the last teens to read paper books), but you get the idea. Enough introductions, I'm sure you're getting bored and wondering when the real story starts. Well, it starts now, in your average middle class neighborhood, in an average house, only a month ago. There I am, just lying on my bed and thinking, but not about what you would think about, or what most people think about. I was contemplating the reason that I had been born into this world, mostly because I was debating whether to stay in it or not. Was there any reason at all to stay, I mean, it's not like the world needs me, in fact, I'm pretty sure it hates me. Why else would it leave me like this, all confused, in a body that was never supposed to be mine, with a family and friends who don't understand that I'm not Alexandra, just Alex. Of course, they had called me Alex up until about a week ago when I finally told them who I really was. Then again, I didn't really tell them, this girl, who hates me for some reason, got into my internet history and then sent a screen shot to the entire school, plus my family. I guess that was enough because what "normal" teenage girl's search history is full of things like what does it mean if I don't feel like a girl or a guy? Or what is nonbinary? Or transgender chat rooms. As soon as that happened it was goodbye Alex and hello to my parents calling me that other name, you know the one. I think they were convinced that calling me by my birth name, as everyone in the trans community calls it apparently, would magically bring back their little girl. Unfortunately they couldn't get back something they never had, but that didn't stop them from trying, still doesn't. But that was just at home. School was ten times worse, with everyone giving me strange looks and calling me a tranny or transvestite depending on their mood. My friends, well, lets just say that apparently I have no more friends, no one wanted that title, the title of being the tranny's friend. Honestly, I couldn't really blame them, I mean who would want to be friends with a freak like me. The only people who didn't treat me like that were the GSA kids, who treated me like some sort of rare commodity to be kept on a shelf out of harms way, like some sort of rare porcelain. Apparently having a trans kid in the school was a big deal for them, but they didn't understand that I didn't want it to be a big deal, why would I? I just wanted to have a normal life, with my friends and family, is that really to much to ask for? I lived like that for a week, with parents trying to "fix" me, my friends set on treating me like a freak and the GSA kids trying to "protect me". So that brings me to that average house in that average neighborhood, where I was lying on my bed figuring out a reason to live. I decided that at this point there really was no point in me staying in this world any longer. I slowly got up off my bed and walked over to my desk where I sat down to write my note. I sat there for the longest time, unsure of what to write, not getting further than figuring out the last line. In the end I decided that that one line was enough.

Love, Alex

That was what I wrote, just that one line, my last goodbye to this cruel and unforgiving world. I slowly went down the stairs and then found my mother's sleeping pills, pouring to many to count into my limp hand, I figured that this way they wouldn't have to worry about cleaning up the blood or anything, I didn't want to inconvenience them any more than I already did by existing. When I went back up to my room I got into my bed and got the bottle of water, and the note when suddenly my phone went off again. I don't know why I looked at it when I did, even though I thought it was just more bullies, maybe I hoped it would help to push me over the edge. Instead I saw a simple message from an anonymous number that I didn't recognize. The message was simple, only two sentences long

Hi, you don't know me, but I go to school with you, and I saw what you went through this week. I just want you to know that you're not alone, I am just like you.

I thought it was impossible, reading that message, not fully believing that it was true, and yet it still managed to pull me out of my previous head space, just wondering if, maybe even hoping for this message to be true. So I sent a message back to them.

Really? How do I know that you're not just faking it to mess with me

They didn't answer for the longest time, and I thought that it really was just a prank, until I got this message

Because I know how you feel. You never fit in anywhere, whether it was among the girls or the guys, or even into your body, or your name. You tried to fix it at first, trying to be normal, like all the other kids until one day where you stopped trying. You threw away those dresses or makeup or what ever reminded you of your birth sex. You started accepting who you were, did a bunch of google searches trying to figure out if there was anyone else like you in the world or if you were truly alone in the world. Now you are probably wishing that you were just born normal, or that everyone would just treat you like a person rather than a broken thing, please believe me, I only know this because that is how I feel too.

As soon as I finished reading the message once, twice, three times all thought of suicide was temporarily gone from my head, with all of my brain focusing instead on this perfect message describing my life. There was no way that they could make this up, or at least that was what I was thinking then. Thank god that I was right, even though now I realize that they could just copied and pasted something from the internet, but that's not important to this story. Back on track now. So I kept messaging this person. I learned that their name was Jordan, and that they were actually in my grade, but I still had no idea who they were, and I thought about them all the time. They helped me get through the day, texting me and listening to what I had to say. It really was amazing and life was finally regaining some color, some hope that it could get better despite all of the bullying and bad treatment from my parents. 

Now, here I am again, sitting on my bed, in the same place I was a month ago, but thinking very different thoughts. Jordan messaged me yesterday, and asked if we could meet at the park today. I said yes almost immediately, but now I'm really having second thoughts, I mean, what if they don't like me? I guess that's not very reasonable considering that they already know who I am, but then again what if it is all a joke and everyone will be there to laugh at me. I'm really not sure if I want ot go through with this, what if everything changes, I don't want it to change, I like it as it is, but then again, I do want to know who this person is. I guess I just have to be brave and take the chance. Come on Alex, you can do this, I can do this. Okay, I'm getting up now, I'm putting on my shoes, I'm walking out the door, okay, okay, I have to keep going, I have to do this, now the park is just around the corner, and I can't decide whether to run to get there or run back in the other direction. I eventually decide to walk forward at a creeping pace, always debating whether to just turn back and bail. But now I see someone, sitting on the bench where we are meeting, scanning the crowd. I walk closer and then sit down next to them. I finally look at their face and I want to run in the other direction, but it is to late, they've seen me, and I have no choice now but to stay and talk with them.

"Jordan? Ummm, hi..."