You, Me, And The Divide

Chapter 18

There was nothing to do at the hospital but wait. I told Danny he could leave, but every time he'd just look at me then back at whatever magazine he was reading or piece of string he'd be  playing with. I didn't read or play with string. I mostly thought. I thought about Allen. I pictured him lying on the hospital bed with a bunch of surgeons over him. I thought about the things I'd say to him, and none of them would sound right, because I'm not talking to Allen I'm talking to the thought of Allen being weak and in pain. There are conversations I imagine having in my head with people before they happen, but every time the time comes, it never goes the way I pictured. I've thought a lot about what I'd say to Allen after the past three weeks, but none of those conversations ever took place in a hospital. There were things I thought about that maybe seemed irrelevant to everyone else, but I wanted to know about. If Allen ever would have told me about the drugs. If he never came back, would he still be trying to chose if he wants me or not. If, maybe, it didn't have to be so complicated.

I thought a lot about why I was here, and what Danny told me about caring too much to leave Allen. Maybe I do care about Allen too much to leave him, but maybe, that's just who I am. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I wouldn't let a boy I've known my whole life be in trouble without my help. Maybe I do care about Allen more than other people, but maybe I don't care about him the way I thought I did. He was living at his college in most of the summers even after the year was up, so why, if I cared so much about this boy, would I only be feeling these feelings now that he's back. Being away from him hasn't destroyed me the way I thought it might. If I truly cared about Allen the way I thought I did, then I would never have stopped caring about him. He's always meant something to me, but then again, he always will. I think the way I feel about him is based more on the consistency of his presence in my life opposed to the feelings in my head. For a girl that has issues with trust and abandonment, someone being consistent in my world might easily have been mistaken for love.

Maybe I do love Allen, but I don't love him the way a man loves his wife. I love him the way a heart aches with happiness when they are achieving success. I love him the way his comfort will bring me into warmth, but I don't love him the way he thinks I do. The way I thought I did.

The only news for us came when he was being moved into surgery. His large intestine, as well as several other things, had been breached. Doctors were going to assess this damage first due to its seriousness. He was in surgery a few long hours, and even after he got out he wasn't allowed visitors until he woke up. When they finally allowed visitors, only family was allowed in. At some point I gave up on the thinking. Opposed to the coffee I had been drinking all day, I felt my eyelids grow heavy.

When I opened them again, I was no longer in an uncomfortable hospital chair. I was actually quite warm. And quite horizontal. I looked around and realized I was in Danny's bed. The light was on, and outside it was pretty dark. His alarm clock was a charging station for phones. My phone was plugged in, and the numbers glowed dimly off the clock next to it with a faint blue 11:17. Across the room, Danny sat at his desk with a book open.

"Is it Friday still? Did I like dream up all of the things that happened after midnight?" I ask hopefully. I yawned loudly and stretched my arms.

"Nope. You still can't see the things right in front of you," he told me with a smile closing his book.

"My words were just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there smart one," I pointed out.

"I know what I said," he told me and crossed the room to sit on the bedside. "The nurse told me as long as he doesn't have complications in the night he's allowed visitors in the morning. We've only been home half an hour."

"Thank you for everything, Danny," I told him and closed my eyes letting everything register. "Are you still going to pay for him? After earlier with Bruce."