Depressing Times

chapter 1 How it feels

You want to know how it feels to live with depression? Well you are in for a treat, I go day to day feeling so alone and useless in the world even though people tell me "your not useless your amazing" I still don't believe them it's hard to trust people because i have been hurt and betrayed by so many people and it breaks a little bit of my heart each time it happens. I cry most nights saying to myself "why do I even exist?", I wish I would just die!" Because I always mess things up for my friends relationships and always blame myself for them breaking up. They try to reassure me saying "it's not your fault he/she wasn't the one for me" but in my mind I just think we'll that's another life I've fucked up and I cry to myself because I always think I mess everything for everyone up I just wish I wasn't even born sometimes. I also get really paranoid over most things, like when people don't answer me straight away and that makes me think "have I done sometime wrong? no surprise there". And sometimes when I walk past bridges I just think if I jump then all the pain and misery would be all over but it would only be the beginning for my family and friends. It can feel a whole lot worse when you've lost someone so dear to you as I have, I lost my grandfather to cancer and I keep wishing take me not my grandfather. But that wish can't never come true no matter how much I want it. I hate what I am, I act different just to fit in with the crowd and even still I don't fit in. And even when I'm walking into town I always have my head down in shame just so no one can see my ugly pathetic face, I walk in fear of hurting someone else or hurting myself. When I'm in college I change my entire personality to mask the fact that I am not happy and don't want to live because if they knew and they would ask "WHY" and you just can't explain why that's a question you just don't ask, nobody can explain why they are upset.