I layed, eyes closed.I felt paralysed as I lay still. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't move, the only thing I could do was breath, heavily. I tried to sleep, carefully closing my eyes, pretending to look relaxed but I couldn't relax. Thats something I knew for sure. I moved my eyes in the direction of him, he was in my vision line now. I looked at him, sleeping soundly. it was like he didn't care. maybe he didn't? maybe I was just overreacting?
I feel the sweat pour from my forehead like lava oozing from the sides of a volcano. I put my hand over it, wiping it.
"I need to move"
I say to myself. One leg after another I swing my body round so I'm sat up, my back facing him. I silently creep my feet into the fluffy white slippers that lay in front of me and lean my body forward, giving it strength to stand. Desperately craving my daily cup of coffee I walk forward and out of the door. I escaped him, for now. I tiptoe to the worktop and make my coffee. while I sit sipping delicately i try not to think, I try to only think about the pure heaven swiftly flowing down my throat. But that's almost impossible. There's one thing that won't leave my mind, it's not lost, it knows where the exit is but it won't leave until it's answered.
"Why did I do this? I could have said no. why didn't I? It takes two. I can't expect him to take all the blame. Why did I do this?"
The question circles inside my head, the thought of him waking up and me not knowing what to say makes my stomach churn with horror. The coffee doesn't taste like pure heaven anymore, I want to choke on the spot. right there and then. The coffee stops going down swiftly, it begins to feel clumpy and it burns. I slam my cup down and put my hands on my head.
"What do I do? What do I do?"
I mutter under my breath as I walk around the barn, pacing myself round every obstacle. But then I hear something. Something move. I hear him. He's awake. What do I say? What do I do? Where do I go?
I sit down on the nearest thing to me, my legs are shaking. it's noticeable, too noticeable.
"Hey spence"
he pauses.
"Woah, it's not too cold is it? You look like you've turned to ice"
He laughs the whole sentence but this isn't a laughing matter, he should know that.
He puts his arm around me from behind, like he used to. But it doesn't feel the same. I can't do this. Not now. I slowly slide my arm upwards towards his and hold his hand. Hold his hand? What am I doing? I should be chucking him away, not encouraging him.
He smiles and kisses my cheek, when he turns away to go and make breakfast I stand. I walk up to him but I don't tell him it straight. I kiss him. Why am I doing this? What the hell?
He kisses me back, one slight kiss turns in too a passionate "snog" and I can't get out of it. Why can't I just leave him alone? What's wrong with me?
He pulls away, eventually, and goes back to making breakfast. I walk back into the bedroom. It's just dawned on me that maybe this is the shock, it's playing with my mind like a rag doll. Pulling every inch until I can't take it. But we all know what happens to a used ragdoll, that's not going to happen to me. I'm stronger than that. I slide down onto the floor. I sit there looking in the mirror. Look at me, I'm a disgrace. He wasn't mine to take. He still isn't mine to take. But I took him.
