My Beautiful Boyfriend (Troyler Oneshot)

My Beautiful Boyfriend

Tyler,
Know that you mean the world to me. I'm so deeply in love with you, this whole time I've held on for you, I've stayed strong for you. You gave me courage to go on. I'm so glad I was able to express myself through my music, I would never be able to do that if it weren't for your encouragement. I did what I loved and I loved what I did, but that's not what kept me going. You kept me going. You are so sweet, the way you would help me when I was frustrated with songs, kiss my hair gently as I fell asleep in your arms, wish me goodnight with a soft kiss and tell me you love me even when you thought I was sleeping. I remember the many, many sleepless nights I had, especially before I met you. In your arms I felt secure, I felt at ease, your warm body against mine and the little breaths that escaped your slightly parted lips at night. I slept so much better with you, I knew it was right. You turned my nightmares into dreams, showed me things I never thought I would see. I was always missing a huge part of me, and you fulfilled the hole in my heart. It didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with you, it was home. I remember on the road I could only think of you and, of course, my family, but you basically were as well. I remember getting up there, all the cheering fans. They made me smile too, but not nearly as much as you do. I would sing "for him." and the crowd would go wild, singing along as they probably thought of their lovers, and all I could think of was you. I love the fans so much by the way, make sure they know that for me. Speaking of the fans, I remember the Troyler shippers. There weren't many left by the time I went on tour, but there were a few, they made me smile, when I thought of them, all I could think of was you. Tronnor was the big thing, but I know neither of us minded because we were both so close to Con. Make sure he knows I loved him too. Now I sit here and think of you, all of the memories that we've had, the times we've shared. I would never wish to be in the presence of anybody else, belong to anybody else. I remember we spent that New Year's in Perth, I remember all of the crazy YouTube collabs we did, I remember when I called you Tilly for the first time, I remember how much my family loved you, heck, I even remember when we met at Playlist all those years ago. I thought I should let you know now, every since then, ever since I saw you in person for the first time, I started falling for you. For the first few months of us dating I couldn't believe it, to have somebody as amazing as you. I remember you saying that you were the lucky one, you didn't deserve me, that I was perfect. I know you weren't perfect, but you were definitely not the lucky one. None of us are perfect, but I'm really messed up to be honest. I'm crying and laughing right now. I guess me laughing makes me a bit insane, huh? Tyler, you've done so much for me. I didn't even deserve you, you just fell right into my life and, oh my God, you were the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry that I have to break my promise. Long ago I promised that I'd never break a promise to you, so I guess I'm breaking two. I promised that I'd never hurt you, I guess I also broke that promise to myself. That's what I'm doing now, hurting you. I'm stabbing you right in the heart. I'm so sorry Ty, I just can't. I can't do this anymore. You've helped me so much, so have my family, and the fans even though they had no clue what was going on in my personal life. You were my therapy Tyler, and you've helped me in ways you could never imagine. Your kisses healed me bit by bit every day, and your soft lips fit so perfectly with mine. But the thing is, depression never really heals, it never goes away. No matter what you do, no amount of personality killing pills or sweet, sweet people in your life can fix it. I'm mentally insane. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that won't go away. I wish it would, not even for me, but for the sake of you, what you're going through right now. Reading this has to be killing you, bit by bit, word by word has to be eating you up inside, devouring your heart. That's why I'm so mad at myself, breaking my promise to never hurt you. I don't even want to imagine what you're going to do, or in your case, what you did when you got home from your meeting, called my name, looked to give me a big sweet kiss, and instead found all you'd be kissing is my cold hand goodbye as the nurses try to pump the extreme amount of pills I've consumed out of my stomach. I'm so sorry Tyler, I couldn't go on, I just couldn't. I didn't want to talk to you because I didn't want to bother you, I didn't want to bring you down or see you upset, but wow I guess this hurts you a lot more. I'm laughing again now, I really don't know why, I guess they were right, I really am mentally insane. Sorry does absolutely nothing, I know that now after living in a cruel, harsh world, so I'm going to stop saying it. All I'm going to say is thank you, and I love you so much. Tyler I love you so damn much you can't even imagine it. Keep going Ty, for me, for your family, for them. For all of them, all of the fans who are influenced by you, who love you, who need you as much as I needed you. I don't want them to end up like me. You're a special person, Ty. You're just like that, you have that effect on people. I love you so much, just know my last thoughts, my beautiful boyfriend, were of you.
                <3 Troye

I break into a violent sob as I read the note again. I look at his cute heart signature one more time as I throw the paper down onto my desk. I can't handle this. I can't. I love my friends, my family, the fans, everyone who has made an impact in my life, but I can't do this. I need to be away from it all. I'm a mess without him, without him in my arms or his lips on mine. He was struggling again, really bad. How could I not see it, I hate myself for not seeing it. I scream as I take my lamp off the bedside table and smash it against the wall. I pace around the room and suddenly collapse on my bed. I just start crying for who knows how long, probably hours. I suddenly get an idea in my head as I sit up. I just start laughing hysterically, and I understand that feeling of insanity Troye was writing about. I get up and go down to my kitchen.

Troye,
It feels weird writing your name, writing a letter to you at all. I visited your grave about an hour ago, I could barely handle it. I was sobbing all morning, all last night, every day since you've been gone. Don't even get me started on how much of a mess I was at your funeral, I had to leave early. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess to tell you I love you, I love you so damn much. I'm not even going to go into how much I miss you, because even if this letter is just for closure or I'm hoping your spirit could somehow read it, I just can't talk about that right now. I can barely even think your name without having a mental breakdown. I can't go on like this Troye, not for my friends, family, fans, not even for you. I need you here with me, I just need to be by you. I love you too much. I don't even know if I'll be dropping this letter off at your grave or just leave it in my room. I'm laughing to myself while crying now, I understand what you meant by feeing insane. By the way, don't worry about breaking your promise. I was a little mad at first, it's a stage of grief, but now I only blame myself. I tweeted the fans you loved them, I told Connor and the rest of your friends how much you cared and loved them, how they helped. Damn it Troye I can't do this. I can't go on Troye, I can't be without you. I guess that isn't much of a problem though, none of this is. I'll be reunited with you in a few hours, possibly a day. I'm sorry, I couldn't do it Troye, it was too much. I can't do this without you. I've resolved that problem, don't worry. I'll see you soon, my love, my even more beautiful boyfriend, you'll be back in my arms soon.........

I smile through my tears as I look over to the two empty Oxycodone bottles that I was prescribed last year, and sign ~Your only, Tilly on the letter. I walk over to the bed and close my eyes. I feel myself begin to drift into sleep and I smile at the thought, knowing I'll never wake up again......

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Well, that was depressing......