Vent Diary

Sunday 17th April

Today...why

Woke up today and for some reason my head and body really didnt want to function. The way im feeling at this moment is as if everything is comeing down on me. I wish thqt i could just go back to bed and go sleep for the rest of my life or tie the hangmans noose and drop of somewere really high. Or even jump off a building, or how about slitting my writs untill i loose so much blood that i just colapse.

I just want this feeling to go away, the way that i think about myself, fat, ugly, nothing. Ime the reason that my ex-partner hurt himself, put himself in hospital. Why couldnt he of sliced his neck and be dead it would make my life so much easier. His flipping agro is way to much for me to cope with, the shit that he puts on me isnt for me to deal with. The way that his insicurities makes him feel like crap, but when i wanted help it always turned out to be about him.

Anyway less about that dickhead...what about me, why cant i just sleep sleep sleep. The fact that im sat in church and im typeing this feels like why has god treating me this way if he was real why cant he just take away all of this hurt, heartake and complexity of my life. Why cant he just make my life simple give me someone that treats me the way that i treat them. I had to go through the heartake of hurting my family. The tearing apart my mum from the inside...many times she turned round and said she is ok but i know for a fact that she cried herself to sleep everynight.

When i hurt my mum about a month ago i not only hurt her physically i hurt her mentally as well. All because of my selfishness and unable to keep my emotions under control. I thought it was a good idea at the time to drink drink drink and drink some more but it came with a price...i chipped my front tooth and lashed out at my mum and said things that i wasnt supposed to off said.

To this day i still feel like ai dont desrve a second chance...i think that i just need to disapear an never be around the family again as i feel like a burden on everyone mainly my mum dad and little sister.  This #£*¿ feeling that i shouldnt have to be around anyone as it seems that the world that i am living is just a constent battle.

Im done with this shit...just give me a firearm and ill be away forever!!!! Today just seems to be dragging...when can today end...i know when lets slit my writs and and drown in my own blood or bathe in scorching hot water and burn away. When will these sucidal thoughts go away,  the idea of just carving my skin apart sounds like a very good idea at the moment the idea of having fresh scars, fresh cuts that go so deep that you can see my veins and the bone underneath.

I may be typing this through the whole day but to be fair the whole idea of just ending everything seems to be a fmtastic idea.