Bind

2

"We need to talk." My mum is sat on the sofa in the living room, legs crossed, perfectly manicured nails drumming impatiently against her knee.

"But I've told you everything - I'm a boy and that's all there is to it."

"So, do you like girls then?" She asked sharply. An evil glint crossing her eye.

"No mum, I'm pansexual," a look of confusion tore itself across her face, "it means that I love people, regardless of their sex."

She still refused to understand, "If you're pansexual, or whatever, then what is the point of trying to become a boy?"

"I just feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body - I can't help it."

"How can you be a boy with a girl's body? It's not right and not natural."

"Fine, if you think it's that unnatural go and bitch to someone who cares." With that I stormed back up to my room and slammed the door.

However, once I was back inside my room, there was soon tears streaming down my cheeks. 'You're just a freak no one will ever accept you let alone love you,' a voice inside of my mind whispered sharply - the dysphoria was setting in. First it was my dad, running away just after i was born, refusing to accept me before he knew me and now it's my mum.

I didn't want to be this way but it feels right to me.

I sit on my windowsill and look out at some girls that go to my school on their way home from a party, giggling and worrying about their makeup. I longed to be as shallow as they were, the hardest decision they've ever had to make is what top to wear with which jeans. 

But no, I ended up being me; indecisive, confused and in the wrong body. I lay down on my bed, curl up and, after more tears, sleep comes.

What was wrong with me?