Love Confuses Me

where we are

I love him with all my heart and soul when we had our first kiss it was magic but everytime we're in public I can't find courage to do it cause I'm scared before you say anything I could care less of what people think but my mind doesn't it's like everytime it comes up I begin to feel awkward about because people at our school are judgemental and talk behind your back like you can't hear them I've witness since 3rd grade so today he told me to kiss him in the hallway with people staring at me and it made me uncomfortable but I didn't want to be. My best friend told me to apologize to him because I hurt his feelings and trust me the last thing I want to do hurt anybody's feeling even if I dislike them and I feel so bad about I'm crying and shaking and my thoughts are everywhere but I've made a decision for every bad thought or things I did to him I will snap myself with a rubber band on my wrist and yes he will be worried for my safety and apologize saying its his fault but it's mine because this is the first real relationship I've ever had and I'm new too these feelings now we've had bad times before but right after we act like it never happened after all those phone calls we had that we're bad I get scared of what he would do but I always act strong for him because I can hide my emotions easily I just hope that I don't screw this up and if I do we'll still be friends afterwards