Fighting to go on

Chapter 24

           The ride to the cemetery on Friday was silent. Charlie sat in the back with his Ipod, staring out the window. I was sitting beside Ryan, my hands clenched tightly in my lap. Ryan kept shooting looks at me, but he didn’t say anything, which I was grateful for. The weather outside was cold and dreary, matching the mood perfectly.

            When we got there, Ryan parked the car and we all just sat in silence for a few more minutes. Then I opened my door and climbed out. I heard Ryan getting out as well, but Charlie didn’t move. I wasn’t going to push him, so I just started walking towards the gate.

            Ryan came up beside me and took my hand, squeezing it gently. I gave him a small smile and continued walking until we were through the gate. I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath, staring down the path that I knew would lead me to her grave.

            Ryan leaned down and kissed just below my ear. “We don’t have to go any further,” he murmured.

            I took a deep breath. “No, I want to do this,” I said determinedly. He nodded and we started going down the path. I turned off near the end and counted the graves as I passed them. At the fifth one, I came to a stop. I stared down at the headstone and my breath caught in my throat.

 

Here lies Maryanne Stewart

Beloved wife and mother

May she rest in peace

            I dropped to my knees as the grief raced through me. Ryan sat down on the cold hard ground and pulled me into him so I was nestled between his legs with my back against his chest. I let out a shuddering breath as his warmth surrounded me, making the grief more bearable.

            I cleared my throat before talking. “Hey mom,” I said quietly. “Sorry I haven’t come to visit before. It’s been two years since you left us and so much has happened. We moved around a lot for the first little while, but now we’re living a little ways from here. Charlie is here as well, over in the car. He couldn’t bring himself to come to the grave, and I don’t blame him. You should see him, mom. He looks so much like dad. He has a girlfriend now; her name is Anna.

            “I met someone too. His name is Ryan, and he’s sitting here with me. He’s amazing. He acts all tough, but he’s got this sweet side to him that makes me melt.” I paused and blew out a breath. “Jason… well, he changed when you got sick. We didn’t notice it at first, and by the time you were gone, it was too late. He’s an alcoholic and he just isn’t a good person anymore. I’ll be eighteen next month and I’ve spoken to a lawyer already about taking over Charlie’s guardianship. We’ll be moving out as soon as my birthday comes, so that I know he’s safe.”

            My voice broke and I struggled to breathe normally. Ryan tightened his arms around me and placed a few kisses along my jaw. “You’re doing great Sammy. Just breathe, in and out.”

            I focused on him and was able to get myself under control. “It’s been hard without you mom. I don’t know what to do about Charlie sometimes. He’s a good kid for the most part, but sometimes I just want to smack him. Heck, sometimes I do smack him. But we’re surviving. Things have gotten better in the last few months.” I sighed. “I don’t know what else to tell you. We miss you and love you. I really hope you can hear me, wherever you are.”

            Silence fell over us and then the sun suddenly burst from the clouds, warming us a little. A smile played over my lips as I tilted my face to enjoy it. It only lasted for a couple of minutes before disappearing again, but I felt lighter then I had in two years.