Finding Elena

Part 1

The skies were different shades of black, blue and grey. The heavy rain making harsh tapping noises against the window. You could hear the moaning of the wind against the house. Everything was dreary, sun didn't look like it was coming anytime soon. It matched my current mood perfectly.

I like this type of weather, where you can hear all the sounds, it's so cozy in the house under the blankets where you can curl up, close your eyes and just listen.

I stared blankly at my orange wall as I laid on my side on the edge of my bed. One leg was bent back onto the bed whilst the other kept moving, from dangling on the bed to kicking my other ankle back to dangling off the bed again.

My eyes were red and sore, luckily I don't get puffy after I've cried. It's much easier to hide that fact once I leave my room. The pitter patter of the rain giving me a sense of calm that I didn't have 15 minutes ago as I tried to claw chunks of my arm out.

Me and my mum had argued. Well, she said something to upset me and I decided to drink my tea upstairs, instead of sitting there having to hold back tears and being generally uncomfortable. That's when I was called a sensitive twat.

She claims she's always walking around egg shells around me.. As if it's a horrible thing that she has to try to be less of a horrible person so she doesn't hurt me?

It's not my fault that small things upset me. It's not my fault.

I shake my head as I sit up to try to expel the negative thoughts that always seem to worm their way into my head. Heading for the bathroom, I speed walk down the hall to get there without running into her. Even though I know I won't as I can hear the TV blaring downstairs. Scooping my hands together under the tap I splash my face with cold water. I need to get out of here.

Shoving a pair of ratty trainers on my feet and stuffing my arms into my big khaki coat, I leave the house ignoring my mums calls. I'm not sure where to go.

Heading down the street, I pass my neighbours houses, one pink, one blue, one yellow.. They all look so happy from the outside but you never really know what's happening inside. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night I can hear screaming and crashing from next door. I asked about it and I was told to mind my own business - which yeah, I probably should but I just didn't want to stand around when someone could be getting hurt.

The bell above the door to the café jingles as I walk in. The waitress looks over and then carries on with what she was doing. I don't even know what I look like. And I'm pretty sure I didn't put on deodorant. What a state. I'm sure they've seen worse here. Well.. I bloody hope they have.

After choosing a booth and ordering a cup of tea, I lean my head against the window. Eyes closing at the lovely feeling of the cold glass. The background noise is a small radio in the corner playing smooth jazz and the sounds of the machines behind the counter.

All my thoughts came rushing to the forefront of my mind. If I stay in this city, in my house any longer I think I'll combust. I'll crack. I'll be back in hospital. I can't do any of that again. I have to do me, I have to make my situation better for myself so I can actually heal.. When you suffer from depression at such a young impressionable age, that's all you really know about yourself. I don't have hobbies or interests. All I know is my illness. I need to find out who Elena really is.

I have to get out of here.