Dreamworld

Dreamworld, part 1: The Black Masquerade

We all have a dream at some point, a powerful goal we set our minds on to reach, and we either fail it or succeed in the end. When the ambition to see the dream realized is great, we become tidal waves that push past the limits we are given and go to the furthermost reaches of this world, surpassing the powers of mind and body.

Dreams, the ones we have in our sleep, are visual representations of our desires and emotions. We accumulate them throughout the day and at night we see the entire collage of vibrant pictures materialize into a short film. Yet we never know what happens to them, what becomes of them as we only remember them to be memories. What of those people who don’t dream as much as others do, who dream on a daily basis? And those other dreams, they're still somewhere, right?

I sit at my desk and write these thoughts down. I sit back and close my eyes, and concentrate on more things to write as I try to stay awake. It was 2 AM in the morning already, but I refused to go to sleep. My mind ran through the memories and reached the Dreamworld. I stopped and thought about whether I should write about it or not, and decided I shouldn’t. Maybe it wasn’t time yet to release that information, and I did this for the sake of not sounding like an insane fool with a fantasy. After all, this paper had a purpose.

This is why I decided to stay up so late, because of that same purpose. It’s Scarlet, who keeps me up at nights, the girl whom I love with my life, at least I believe I do. I am still sixteen anyways, am I really supposed to know exactly what love is? I like to think so, and try to define it, but every time I try it seems like something insane. Maybe that’s what love is sometimes, insanity. It’s a confusing subject, people have their own definitions of it and that remains to be an absolute truth.

Scarlet, on the other hand, rewrote my own definition of love. She is someone whom I am able to make a true connection and we see eye to eye on so many subjects that it becomes creepy sometimes, having had various moments where we said the same thing or woken up at the same time. Yet, she is not a perfect girl; she constantly dwells on her problems and negative emotions that it becomes too horrific to bear sometimes. Her emotional instability doesn’t help it either, where she resorts to acts of self-harm and bad habits.

I pushed these things aside, trying to help her through as much as I can and to the day I still do. I spend as much time as I can with her, being there for the bad times when she allows me to. We love each other, using our own definitions, but I still wage one battle with myself, the one where I attempt to keep my own sanity.

I’m scared, sometimes to a limit and sometimes even beyond it. I fear one day it would be too much and she would end it, with a clean cut through her throat. It’s terrifying to think of this, it’s not something you want a person who means so much to you to do. It makes me wonder what I would end up doing as well, sometimes bringing me to look at my own knife and thinking about what it would be like. I stopped these thoughts, mostly for her but it’s like it grows stronger and stronger every day.

I write these thoughts down again and decide to mail this to her. It’s the middle of summer and I’ve been sent out to my grandparent’s house in Wyoming. She’s still in Texas, and I decided to mail her letters apart from the calls we make through Skype, she said she wanted that. We both write them and we were planning to read them together once I got back.

A few hours ago, she told me she didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and again I’m left without a reason. I doubted she would call tonight but I stayed up just in case. It’s 2:15 AM now and I was too tired to continue writing. I lay down on my bed and continued thinking; I wanted to make her happy somehow, maybe by tomorrow. I wanted to tell her I slayed a dragon here, and survived, or something similar. I want it to distract her, so she doesn’t think about the problem, maybe liberate her from it even if it’s for a while. I want it to make her smile, to remind her someone’s willing to be there for her as much as he can. To show her that life’s not always a dead end, that we make it through somehow, even if we have to take the smallest of steps. I closed my eyes and kept thinking, and she deserves to smile and be happy just as any other person does.