Saudade

April 21st 2010

For maybethea; the first person to vote for my story.

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NOLAN CHASE WAS LEILA'S FIRST BOYFRIEND. THEY BROKE UP IN DECEMBER 12th, AND MET AGAIN IN APRIL 21st.

The memories came like a downpour of angry rain. It was a dark Sunday, with only the moon and no stars. The trees were howling, and if you had stood to look at the dazzling light that shone above the freshly cut grass, you'd have felt as though you were really home, and nothing could ever hurt you anymore.

And I had almost bought into it, it would've been the closest time I would ever be to happiness. But then you came.

It had happened so unexpectedly, so out of the blue that I thought I was seeing things. You waved, then jogged towards me just like the old times.

"Hey," I said, and you nodded back at me. Your hands were tucked inside the pockets of your oversized blue sweater, the same one I used to wear because you claimed, I was cuter in your clothes.

You're a lot taller now, more tanned, but the pair of eyes were enough to bring back all the memories.

It was like a reminiscing video, of the day we first met, crashing into each other and spilling coffee all over the carpeted floor. Then the days where we grew close, with fattening junk food and late-night movie marathons. When you asked me out, and we became the it couple. Of kisses and hugs, and morning races across the park.

But then one day, it was over; and I broke your heart.

The coffeehouse was empty, cold air battering against the back of my neck as I listened to your soothing voice.

It's amazing to see how much had changed. You were on top of the world now, with a successful career and supportive friends. And for moment, I couldn't be happier.

That is, until you asked me how I was doing. Whether I had a new boyfriend, if he was doing a better job, treating me right. And I could only nod, because I knew that if I tried to speak, I would start crying.

"I wish we tried harder," you said, and my heart snaps as the bones in my body began to fell limp.

"I remember how it was back then," you started to say, but I'm crossing my fingers and hoping you won't finish because I knew that if you did, my facade wouldn't last.

You opened his mouth to speak, and the snow crunches under my khaki boots as I am tempted to run away. But I can't, because the last time I did that, I lost you.

"I was always so afraid," you laughed. Your head drawled back, eyes glinting under the coldness of the moon. "If I'd say or do something wrong, and lose you forever." I felt a shiver rush through my spine. Your thin, raspy voice reminded me of cold winter nights and burning papers. "But then I realized," you said, looking out the tinted windows at the shimmering light that casted seemingly on the stilled pond. Your arms brushed against mine, and I couldn't help but notice that they were cold, like they hadn't experienced warmth in a long time, and I wondered, if it was possibly because of me.

I felt myself searching for your eyes, and in the flick of second, I was overflowed with memories. They were like water, pooling at my feet, but then reaching to my knees, and then slowly, drowning me. But what pained me the most were your last words, the one you hissed into the cold, empty night. "I never really had you."