Baby Steps

Chapter Four

Chapter Four 

It's weird chatting to a stone, but I can handle being that weird person if it means I can still talk to Logan, even if he's not here and doesn't reply. I imagine he's sitting with me, probably rolling his eyes or shaking his head. Today might be different after this confession.

"I hung out with Blake last weekend. I know you never liked him but he asked for my help and I couldn't say no."

Perhaps it was the desperation swirling in his green eyes, or the fact I could never say no to Blake Rivers that led me to agree to hang out with him.

"I don't know why you never liked him." I sigh.

I glide my hand over the smooth grass, stopping to swirl my finger around the long blades of green grass.

"Kyle said I shouldn't help him, he thinks it's a terrible idea I don't know why I'm asking you for permission to hang out with somebody." I bite my lower lip and drag my teeth across it. "Perhaps I just need somebody to say it's okay and you're the only person who can't say it's a stupid idea."

There's just silence, nobody saying it's a good or bad idea. The wind makes the leaves on the trees rustle together and as the sun sets the light and temperature drop.

"I miss you, and I wish you were here, even if you told me not to do it."

Pulling my knees to my chest, I bury my face in them and sob. The warm tears soak into my stockings and my breath heats my chilled cheeks.

I just want to feel something that isn't this big mass of emptiness in my heart.

How do you move on? Can you move on? It's almost a year since he passed away and I don't have any more answers than before. Just this gaping emptiness. I can't imagine how my parents feel.

I lift my head and inhale a deep breath. My tear-stained cheeks sting in the cold, so I use the end of my jumper sleeve to wipe away the wetness.

"What do I do about Kyle? I should talk to him but I don't want to."

It's all too real seeing Logan's name engraved onto the metal plate, even if it's something I've seena few times now. My older brother isn't here anymore. He's gone. Logan can't help me with my problems.

Sometimes I forget he's gone, sometimes I just want to pretend it never happened. I hate reality sometimes.

Crunching grass alerts me to somebody nearby. I hug my blazer to my blazer to my chest and peer over my shoulder. Kyle approaches me with two takeaway cups in hand. He passes me one and sits beside me. 'Hot choc' is scribbled on the cup. The soak in the warmth radiating from the cup.

"I thought you would be here after your Mum said you weren't home."

"I needed somewhere to go and think."

"You can talk to me."

"Not about this."

"You can talk to me, even about Blake."

"I can't."

"Just because I don't want to see you get hurt, doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it. I still care about you. I'm serious, you can talk to me. We're best friends."

Best friends hey? Best friends don't kiss their friends.

"Do you really think being Blake's friend is a bad idea? I'm not deluding myself into thinking anything of it. I really do want to help him with London. I like babies and I've learned a few things since doing prac at a daycare centre."

Kyle takes a long sip from his drink, so I bump my shoulder into his.

"It's not a completely bad idea. Just remember the reality of the situation. This isn't a book or one of your daydreams. He has a daughter and she has a mother."

"My daydreams look completely different, thank you." I sigh. "I know this is their lives, this is why I care about helping. Yes, I have a crush on Blake, but I'm not a homewrecker. He's been in love with Tori for two years. I'm just the chick from the baby class." I sigh.

"You're my Ava baby." He chuckles.

I shake my head and sigh. It's getting really dark and the lights dotted around the cemetery are on now.

"Do you want to come to mine for dinner?"

"Yes." He nods.

"Great, I'll message Mum to let her know."

Kyle stands up and pulls me to my feet. He hooks his arm around my shoulder and I fall against his side as we walk to the parking lot.

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