undone

silence

D E S T I N Y

His words were like a hand around my neck and as he spit them at me I felt as if I could no longer breathe, everything was in slow motion. This boy so gentle and sweet had done more harm to me mentally than he'd ever be able to do physically. Though maybe this wasn't his fault, his extreme anger issues got the best of him more times than not, they were to blame, not him. But I couldn't take it anymore, I was through getting by with just a few shallow breathes here and there, so I decided to end it. this boy so gentle and sweet -or so I thought- made me feel worse for this. His friends thought of me as the bad guy and maybe I was partially to blame for I had a few choice words I do regret. one thing I dont regret is ending it. I dont regret doing something that made me happy, how could I? It was all I ever wanted.

I write, letting my emotions spill onto the pages of my journal. I sigh as I close the old, torn up notebook and slide it into my backpack. I take in my surroundings for the first time that night. I'm at a park, around midnight.  Why? Because I have no where to go, and I definitely will not be running back to my ex boyfriend, Tyler. Sure, him and I had fought before but this, this fight was taken too far.

I look around and wonder why it took me so long to realize I would never make him completely happy. Why it took me so long to realize I would never be good enough. Everyone at some point in their life is going to experience heartbreak. And, you know what? It's probably one of the most painful things a person has to go through. I'm not going to lie. When you get your heart broken, it feels like it was shattered into a trillion pieces. It's like that person you were head over heels for stomped mercilessly on your heart. It feels like your heart is being shredded to pieces, cut up, and throw in the trash, left to rot. It hurts a lot, emotionally and physically. I thought you loved me but I guess I was wrong. I don't deserve love I don't deserve your love I don't deserve anybody's love. Why do I keep calling you "him?" well I think because when I say your name it stabs my heart, like someone had ripped through my carefully stitched up world and exposed the infected, pulsing black tissue that I thought was healing. That was the first night I took the blade to my wrist.. One cut to the night I stood alone, to the night I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, to the night I prayed for you to come back to me, and of course to the night where you never looked back. Everyone thinks i'm overreacting but what they don't get is how much of my life you really were. You were much more to me then just another relationship down the drain, you were my past my present my future my whole world. You were and still are my life. I hate how I can never get over how I blew out chance to see what we could have been. Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching, and there is no cure for this ache. If we were still together things would be different. I would be happy. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night. I wouldn't cut, I wouldn't burn and I would eat. I crave us like a man in space craves air, I crave us like a starving animal craves food. I crave you here next to me. The thing is getting you're heart broken actually makes you're heart physically hurt. You cry and cry and wish it wasn't like this. You wish it was just a temporary nightmare. But, the sad truth? It's not. It's reality. And you're going to have to accept it, the pain and all. But its just the effects of love, all love ends in heart break. Horrible isn't it? love makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. The thing is before you I loved the thought of love. but now I hate love but at the same time I love, love. I love the feeling the gut clenching feeling when you know you have found the one. I had that with him. But I had to ruin it. Do you want to know what hurts the most? What hurts the most is nothing ever gonna be the same again. It hurts that with every blink you grow closer and closer to her and with every breath I grow weaker and weaker. I remember when I met you It was so clear that you were the only one for me. We both knew it, right away. I understood him and I loved him.

I was ripped from my thoughts when a loud squeal of tires sounded and a crash sounded after. Next thing I know everything went silent, then black.