A Dance Through Thyme (Harry Potter)

Dilemma

 Chapter 20: Dilemma

The evening which Hermione received the news from Dumbledore was the first evening she had ever lay in Remus’ arms and truly lamented the twists and turns which life had forced upon her. The couple lay on her bed, with Hermione’s head resting in the crook made by Remus’ elbow as she sobbed.

Remus, although supportive, was not yet privy to the reason for Hermione’s upset. Lifting her head up so that he could look at her face, he smoothed his thumb across her cheeks, attempting to soothe her.

“I wish you would let me in, and tell me what is going on. Maybe there is something I can do to help. I stand by what I said when you were still researching, you don’t have to tell me everything, but you’ve got to give me something.”

He wrapped his arms even more tightly around her shaking body, resting his chin on the top of her head.

Hermione felt terrible for doing this to Remus, especially when his own face was more pale than usual and the dark circles had returned under his eyes once more.

“I’m so sorry, but I can’t,” she hiccupped. “I’m sworn to secrecy. You don’t understand the repercussions of this all...”

Remus felt a little anger building up within him. It seemed that he was always the one having to succumb when an issue arose. Why was he the one who always had to give in?

“Of course I don’t understand, Hermione, but I’m trying to. I’m really trying to.”

Hermione was practically convulsing in his arms as she cried.

“I know you’re trying......but.....we’re all not allowed to say anything....”

“We’re?” asked Remus, perplexed by Hermione’s wording. “Who else knows stuff apart from Dumbledore and yourself?”

Hermione’s sobs ceased almost immediately, as she realised her mistake. There was no way that she could rationalise that statement without it sounding like a complete lie. Mouth hanging open in a silent gasp, she turned her head to look at Remus’ face. Her body was still shaking, but now it was more out of fear than upset.

Remus’ features, on the other hand were contorted into a mixture of confusion, disbelief and more than a little anger.

“Poppy always knew....”

Remus was not buying it for a minute. He knew that Hermione would not be so scared if she only had to admit information about Poppy.

“Hermione, who else?”

Hermione stayed silent. She knew that as soon as she said his name, Remus would jump to conclusions because he was always a fraction jealous of his best friend. It was Remus that thought there was something going on between them in the beginning, and even in her current state Hermione had enough insight into his character to know that his insecurities would get the better of him once more.

She felt his grip tighten on her upper arms and knew that she would have to tell him sooner or later.

“It was James. James knows everything.”

Remus’ grip slackened completely, and she felt him move away and sit up so that his back was propped up by the wooden head of the bed.

“James, knows everything? What do you mean by everything, Hermione? You are able to tell him, and you can’t even trust your own boyfriend?”

Hermione put her hands to her face, using her palms to wipe away what was left of her tears. This was exactly why she didn’t want to say anything in the first place.

Remus had lived in the shadow of his best friends for his whole life. James had it all in his opinion, and now, he even had his girlfriend it seemed.

“When were you going to tell me?” Remus visibly seemed a lot calmer, but there was no disguising how tense his voice was and the fact that his arms were now crossed tightly over his chest.

Hermione moved herself up the bed so that she was in a similar position, albeit letting her arms rest by her sides.

“I didn’t want to tell you,” she admitted. “I knew you would react like this, and I was hoping to avoid that kind of a confrontation.”

“So you were going to lie to me?”

Remus seemed to be filled with a lot of questions, each of which pained Hermione both to hear and have to answer.

“I didn’t mean to lie; I never told you anything untruthful. I was honest from the start, telling you that I wasn’t able to share anything that happened with my meetings with Dumbledore.”

Remus raised an eyebrow in her direction, rapid fire questions never ceasing.

“Whatever this is, it is a big part of your life, and you didn’t trust me enough to share it. What does that say about us? Merlin, I feel like I’m the girl in the relationship half the time. I practically have to force your feelings out of you.”

Hermione was now beyond upset at Remus’ last remark, and practically exploded in his face. How dare he attack her when she was feeling so vulnerable?

“How can you say that to me? This is not different to the fact that you have adamantly refused to tell me that you are in fact a werewolf!”

Remus was visibly shocked that Hermione knew this piece of information about him, however, his features soon contorted into pure anger.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think that I was some kind of freak,” he practically screamed at her. “Surely you would know the stigma that is attached to being something like me, or do you come from some idyllic place where werewolves have been eradicated from the face of the Earth?”

Hermione could see it again. It was all that insecurity that had been bottled up until now, exploding with the force of a bomb. However, she could not help but feel fury. After all the time they had spent together, surely Remus would know that she would never turn her back on him for being a werewolf.

“I’ve stayed by your side for months, knowing full well what you are,” she spat. “I had an inkling that something was up from the very first time you cancelled a date. You’ve always kept things hidden from me, for goodness sake Remus, I didn’t even know you were being attacked by Rowle unless you hadn’t come in here all bruised and battered!”

“That may well be true, but even now that you know all that about me, you refuse to tell me your secrets. You expect honesty from me, and yet you won’t give it yourself. It’s an eye for an eye, Hermione,” Remus was shouting now, the volume of his voice having risen considerably.

“I don’t tell you because I can’t!” Hermione screeched back, pulling at her hair in frustration. “I am absolutely forbidden to. The only reason James knows is because he was eavesdropping on Dumbledore and I on the day I arrived. It’s better than you are kept in the dark about this Remus, safer even.”

“How is it better to have you keep lying to me indefinitely?” Remus demanded of Hermione.

“Please, you have to trust me, Remus,” said Hermione, tears beginning to form in her eyes once more as she edged herself closer to her boyfriend. “I’ve asked an awful lot of you, I know that but please, if you don’t trust me, trust that Dumbledore trusts me.”

Remus looked down at his lap as he spoke, anguish spilling into every word that he spoke.

“I don’t know if I can, Hermione. I just don’t know.”