Ü-THOUGHT ko

Üthought ko- Rants and whatnots.

It's been years since I last wrote here. Madaming nagbago, madaming bago, at madaming magbabago.

So far, my life has been stagnant. Wait, stagnant is not the right word, but BORING. Nothing new. Just school and work. I'm taking up BS in Pre-Nursing, and currently preparing to apply for Nursing School. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit Nursing ang kinukuha ko. Hindi ko talaga pinangarap maging nurse nuon pa man. Siguro dahil sa pressure sa pamilya, at madaming nurse kaming kamag-anak ay ito na ang kinuha ko.

Nakakatawa. Siguro ako yung isa sa mga taong indecisive. Hindi makapagdesisyon ng mabuti dahil hindi pa alam kung anong gusto. Ito nga ba ang gusto ko? Hindi ko alam. Nag-aalangan ba ako dahil alam kong mahirap? Oo, sobra. Yung tipong gusto ko ng mag-give up.

Akala ko nuon madali lang mag-aral ng Nursing dahil sandamakmak ang mga nursing students na grumagraduate at nakakapasa ng board exam sa Pilipinas at nahihirapan silang maghanap ng trabaho. Hindi pala madali. Mahirap! Mahirap ang trabaho nila. Kaya pala never kong pinangarap maging nurse, ngayon alam ko na.

Iniisip ko pa lang, paano kung hindi ako makapasa sa Nursing school? Natatakot ako. Hindi lang dahil madaming madi-disappoint, pero dahil alam kong madi-disappoint ako sa sarili ko. Yung mga ka-batch ko nuong highschool, tapos na sila ng kolehiyo. E ako? 2nd year college pa lang (by credits kasi ang basehan kung anong year ka na, kahit halos 3 years ka ng nag-aaral, I was 1 credit away from being a 3rd year). Hindi ko pa nga alam kung ilang taon pa ang pagpapaguran ko para makagraduate. Natatakot ako. Yun ang totoo.

Sa ngayon, iniisip kong magdouble major. Para pag pumalpak ako at di makapasok sa nursing school, may backup plan na nakaantabay. Kasi feel ko talaga ma-w-waitlisted lang ako sa School of Nursing ng university namin. Trentang students lang kasi ang kinukuha per year. Oo! Nakakainis diba? Like, bakit ko ba kasi to' kinuha?

Ang mahal mahal ng tuition, tapos hindi ko pa alam kung kailan ako makaka-graduate. May times na ni-r-regret ko kung bakit PreNursing ang nilagay kong major nuon sa admission form. Sana pala nag BBA Accounting na lang ako, or Computer Science. Mga ganun ba, at least mga numbers at computers ang magiging kaharap ko sa future at hindi mga pasyente.

Pero wala e, ganun talaga. Andyan na, so I'll just suck it all up, and own my decisions. Hopefully, everything will work as planned.
Kung hindi, madami pa naman akong chances. I'll just think of another plan, if everything fails. But for now, I'm doing my best to get good grades and prepare for TEAS exam for Nursing School.

Lagi kong iniisip, wala namang madaling bagay. Lahat ng bagay sa buhay, mahirap!
Kaya life really sucks!!!

Anyway, aside from school. I also wanna rant about my nonexistent love life. Like, Lord God, bakit di ko pa nakikilala ang potential forever ko? Lol, de joke lang.

I'm in the point where I would like to have someone to love, romantically. Oo, kahit unrequited yan or mutual, basta I want to feel and know how to love romantically. I just want to experience that. Yung feeling na you are able to love a person differently. A different love from the love you gave to your family and friends. Ganern. I am so curious about it.

I also want to know if love truly hurts. Gusto kong malaman kung pag umibig ka, hindi ba talagang maiiwasan masaktan? Necessity ba talagang masaktan para malaman mo na nagmamahal ka? Required ba talagang masaktan para masabi mong pagmamahal ang nararamdaman mo? Talaga bang nasasaktan ka pa rin kahit mahal ka na ng taong mahal mo? I just have so many questions about it.

I want to know how it feels to be connected to another person, in a romantic way. Yung hindi lang landian, but a deeper connection. Like, I want to know how people love, how it all happens. I want to know the process. Mabilis ba? Gradual? Or is it a long process?

And I can only know the answers to those questions, if I experience it myself.

This is why I don't write long romantic stories. Puro sabaw na one shots or short stories lang, with hanging ending pa. Whenever I start writing one, hindi ko matapos-tapos because I just don't know how I would connect two people and make them fall in love with each other. Mahirap isulat yung process. Mahirap magsulat, kung hindi ko naiintindihan ang feelings ng characters ng story ko. I just don't know how to write mature love (hindi yung pabebe o landian lang, yung hindi madalian), without experiencing it. Gusto ko pag gumawa ako ng story, yung nakaka-relate ako sa characters.

Gusto ko ring maka-relate sa mga friends kong may love life. Ano yung pakiramdam nila pag inlove? Bakit sila umiiyak ng bongga pag magkaaway sila ng jowa nila? I want to understand them. I want to know how they feel. Masokista ba ang dating? Para sa akin, curious lang ako.

The confusing thing about this is I want a love life, but I don't need it badly. Maybe that's why I don't pursue it, I'll just rant about it. I am not the "I"ll get what I want" kind of person. I am more of "I'll just get what I need. But sometimes, If I want something badly, I'll do everything to get it." Maybe I just don't want a love life, badly enough for now.

Kaya siguro pag may opportunity na magka-lovelife nuon, I don't grab it easily and let them pass by, hanggang wala ng dumadating. Lol.

A few months ago (nuong summer), I was really thinking that it was okay for me to be forever alone because sometimes being alone does not mean you are lonely. Like, I was really thinking that it is okay for me to not have a romantic partner at all (like have a boyfriend, to get married, whatever). I was thinking that I don't need to depend to someone in order to be happy.

Then I realized, I am so pessimistic about my own nonexistent love life. Lol. I am just so indecisive. Do I really want it or not? I don't know. Maybe I want it but I'm not ready for it? Or maybe I want it, but not now cause I don't have time for it?

Ugh. I'll just give up, and let fate run its course. Baka nga tunay ang quote na "true love can wait". Charot! I don't even believe in that. Lol. Bahala na nga lang si Bathala.