prologue.
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.
But, I've found that one second isn't a second at all . . . it stretches on and on forever and forever, like a beautiful ocean of time. For me, that second was spent lying on my back in a dirty motel room in the middle of no where as my body slowly began to shut down.
I guess . . . I guess I should be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's so hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it becomes too much for me. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst and then I remember to relax, to stop trying to hold on so hard and it flows through me like water.
And then, then I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
I should have known that falling for a psychopath would only bring me pain. And it did. So much pain and sorrow and depression and hurt.
But I don't regret loving him. I won't even regret loving him even as I'm slowly beginning to pass away. Even though he's corrupted me and made me into . . . into this. I can't . . . not love him.
Maybe I'm obsessed.
Maybe the both of us were just too obsessed with each other that the universe had to take one of us away to make balance again.
It doesn't matter anymore though.
All I can do now is pretend that we were just two innocent kids in love who met at a coffee shop, that went on a few dates and that he kissed me on my doorstep while my parents weren't looking. I can pretend that we got married and had five kids and lived happily ever after in a little cul-de-sac down in Idaho.
I can't erase every scream, every hit, every tear, every moment of pain. But I can imagine . . .
You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.
But don't worry . . . you will.
You will.
