I wish
‘I wish I didn’t have to tell my mum no matter how hard she tries I’m not going to survive. I accepted it a long time ago when I first did my research into skin cancer. I have out stayed my time on earth and mum knows it she just won’t accept it. She needs to learn my disease has changed me I am not willing to go into all these operations anymore, I know what awaits a few months from now but she can’t accept it. She won’t let me go.
' Everyone has to die at some point and my time is fast approaching. I feel bad that I let her spend all her money on the operations. But I didn’t care back then I wanted to grow old to love and live and die a normal death. I wanted me to live as much as my mum but I see life so much clearer now life is much more obvious to me. I am going to die one day we all are and yes once I am gone she may ache for a while but she will learn to get over it she will learn how she truly needs to live.
' One day after I’m gone she will realise the true meaning of life she will realise that I Jonathon J Black wanted to die to let the pain end. I wish she could see the only reason I haven’t told her but everyone else why I want to go. The operations make the pain worse it hurts to do so much it hurts to write the poetry I usually write it aches to move. I am in pain when I drink and eat when I smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt for her.
' The doctor’s speak to me truthfully they don’t expect me to survive another 2 months and I hope they are right I just want the pain to stop. My whole family knows how I feel they know that I want to stay but I want to go. If my friends hadn’t cut me out last year if everyone didn’t treat me like a china doll, I might want to stay but everyone is so careful around me it is almost as if they are tiptoeing around me. Life has got incredibly difficult for me and pointless what is the point in life if no one let’s you know what is happening anymore or if you have no friends.
'I think I will ask my dad to tell her I want to go that I want to die. I wish she could see why. I wish she could understand. But the one thing I don’t wish is that I never got my disease it has showed me so much. It has opened my eyes to so much. Let me see the world for what it truly is. Why would anyone want to take that back?
'Earlier I mentioned that I wanted to grow old, love, live and die a normal death. Ok so maybe two of these things I will never do but I did two I loved and was loved in return. I loved you mum and dad and of course the others in my family too. I lived a life maybe not the one i dreamed of but one none the less I lived a life that opened my eyes to those who struggle and I loved everylast minuete of it. Majority of my wishes and dreams in life came true because you two made them happen and for that I am forever thankfull.
'Mum if you are reading this I am so sorry I wish you the best of louck in life remember me with cancer because it is who I was. Just only remember the good times.
Jonathan J Black’
Sandra Black burst into tears for the tenth time that day they had just declared Jonathan dead and this was laid at his side. ’Why didn’t he tell me?’ she whispered. John came up behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder ‘because he was scared you wouldn’t understand Sandra you wanted him to live so badly yet he knew what was coming he had accepted his fate a long time ago.’ Sandra sighed and tried to hold back her tears ‘I just didn’t want to lose Jonathan I loved him so much,’ and with that Sandra burst into tears again ‘I know we all did we all did,’ John sighed and kissed the top of her head ‘Dad if you read this with mum tell her the only reason I stayed as long as I did, the only reason I didn’t leave sooner wasn’t because of the operations and kimo therapy it was because she was holding me down her hope was so strong she was so sure I couldn’t bear to leave her.’ John smiled and held the note in front of his wife’s face she wiped away her tears and smiled ‘he always did have a way with words didn’t he John?’ John smiled and nodded his head ‘yes he did just like his mother’ and with that he took her hand and drew her in for a hug.
'It's going to be fine sandra this is what he wanted we'll get by he knows we will or he wouldn't have left us would he?'John said not letting her move away from him. Sandra nodded tears streaming down her cheeks 'It it just hurts so much.' 'I know I know maybe we sould take you home' John ended up dragging Sandra home.
