collection

god damned discovery

The scent of the rain grabbed my senses, seizing them as the potent smell intoxicated my head. The upturned dirt, fresh full of fallen flowers and washed out life radiated the air, weighing down on it heavily as I walked down the street, the aftermath of the cool downpour evident on the pavement, and in the overpowering fragrance of the earth. The drip drop of the water droplets falling from the tree leaves soothed my soul, drowning me in serenity as I attempted to clear my head of the disastrous thoughts that plagued it.

    The discovery was the monsters under my bed and the terrors that kept me from sleeping. It was every worst nightmare I've ever had. So I ran from my fears.

The rain had masked my silent tears, shielding my vulnerabilities from the public eye. I snapped the hair tie at my wrist incessantly, my thoughts wandering to the hair it typically held. My silent cries stacked, a mountain of misery piled high in my throat, nearly pouring through to my lips and falling to the floor. My thoughts drifted to Austin. I knew he was probably looking for me, but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Abruptly, I snapped back into reality. My clothes were drenched, and the coldness had seeped into my skin, shivers slithering down my spine like icy pythons. I debated going home, facing my phobias head on, but the anxiety began to outweigh the cold. I turned again, hoping I would get lost in the twists and turns of a city I had been sheltered from all my life. I thought of my dad then, of the protection he had suffocated me with. He had done it all with wishes and prayers in his back pocket, his desires to keep this from happening again were the security that he had inflicted. But the bubble was burst with the discovery. His worst fears were becoming a reality, too.

    Every mistake I had made, every idiotic slip-up came rushing back to me. I thought about all the dumb fights my friends, my brothers, and I had gotten into. The ridiculous arguments I had put up against my parents. I thought about my mother, all the times she had let me off easy. She had done it all with hopes that I would have the opportunity to see the world, that I would get to experience the wonders of life I may have missed out on in my childhood. She too, was living a nightmare.

    Tears had mixed with the moisture that pulled Austin's sweatshirt down below my knees, and I turned around immediately. I headed home. Amends needed to be made, and I needed to know I was loved. The discovery had taken a toll, and the rain had drowned me. It had shoved me under, into the depths of the tormenting waters that was my reality. My lungs filled with the pain of it all, and I hurried. I hugged my shoulders as the need to be surrounded by the people who loved me surged through me powerfully.

    As I neared my house, I resorted to snapping the hair tie on my wrist again. Ticking, clicking against my skin. I reached my corner quickly, and upon doing so I found a figure sitting against the curb, defeat written clearly across the broad of his back. His hood was up, masking his face, but I didn't need any kind of identification. His stupid shoes had been enough.

    I slowly made my way towards him, and without a word I took a seat. He didn't look at me. He just laced our fingers together, and I gripped his hand like it was the only thing keeping me alive. Maybe it was.

    I looked down, nearly laughing at the way his hand practically encircled mine twice over, but the discovery sat too close to my mind. I feared laughing would cause it to cut the cord that gave me the ability to smile. Instead, I looked up at Austin.

    "I'm sorry." I whispered, and he just closed his eyes. I thought of him again. The way he cared for others more than he had ever cared for himself. The way he made anyone and everyone feel as though they had worth. And the way I had never doubted his love for me.

    "Darcy, seriously?" He laughed sadly, "You don't get it."

    He was probably right, so I opted not to answer. I thought, instead, of the memories I had made. I thought of my friends. Of the conversations made at three in the morning. The ones where we told the world our vulnerabilities, exposed them like we had nothing to be afraid of. The ones where we giggled at everything because we were too past the point of exhaustion to comprehend a reason not to. I thought about the way I could trust that my best friends would drop everything for me. The way I knew they would come over with fast food and tearjerking movies if I told them I was upset. I found myself missing them even though I hadn't lost them yet.

    "Darcy, you mean everything to all of us. Absolutely everything. Do you know that?" Austin asked, and I averted my eyes. I watched a rain droplet roll from the leaf of the nearest tree, feeling a lot like it. Freefalling, and swiftly stumbling towards the ground.

    "Yes." I said, and he sighed.

    "No, you don't. Without you around so much is going to be missing." He told me, and I finally met his eyes.

    "Enlighten me, then."

    "No one's going to retort sarcastic comments at any and everyone who speaks. No one's going to choreograph ridiculous dance recitals when we all get bored and have nothing better to do. No one's going to trip over their own feet and then pirouette down the stairs. No one's going to gasp when we're walking down the street and see someone walking their dog, and no one's going to ask to pet their dog. No one's going to laugh as loud as you. No one's going to leave their leotards in my car, and drive me half way towards insanity. No one's going to call me and ask me to go get chinese food with them at one forty-five A.M. No one's going to encourage me to write scripts. No one is going to remind me that someone's birthday is coming up. No one's going to be you." Austin murmured, and I blinked away the tears clouding my vision. "And we all know that. Every single one of us."

    "I hate you, you know that?" I brushed the droplets spilling from my eyes, and he smiled.

    "I wouldn't have it any other way." And I tossed my arms around him, hugging him tighter than I had ever hugged anyone in my entire life.

    "Thank you." I whispered, and he just nodded. He kissed my head. I laughed, and when I pulled away I noticed the red of his eyes, and the tears sliding down his cheeks.

    I just rubbed his back, allowing him to cry. He put his head in his hands, murmuring about how much he was going to miss me. It was hardly audible, but I attempted to respond to him as best as I could. I tried to reverse our roles. It was usually him soothing me, making me feel worthwhile, and I was trying to make the tables turn. I was sure I wasn't as mastered in the art as he was, but my words didn't fall on deaf ears. He eventually pulled himself up. He was shivering. I was too, but it didn't matter.

    "Darcy, I know you think you're going to be forgotten. I know you're scared of that, but it's not going to happen." He assured me, and I nodded. I knew he wouldn't let those terrors become truths. He was too thoughtful, too incredible.

    "I know." I told him, and this time he believed me.

    The discovery ran through my veins, my blood, literally. It was murdering me. Inch by inch, minute by minute, I slowly came closer and closer to my death. Poisoned. I snapped the hair tie on my wrist once more, before pulling it off and handing it to Austin. He needed it more than I did.

    "To remember me by." I explained, and he just smiled sadly before sliding it on his wrist silently. I could see the heartbreak on his face, but I knew he wouldn't mention it. I was thankful.

    "I love you." He said, his fingers tracing the band around his wrist.

    "I love you, too."

    And it was like I could feel it, could sense the cancer coursing through my veins and the leukemia replacing all of the purity in my blood. I rest my head against Austin's shoulder, and I smelled the rain. The upturned earth filled my nostrils, calming me, and finally, I was content.