moving on from you

Blog Post One.

I don't really know how to start this... I thought things were perfect? I mean that's how they felt... but I guess I was wrong?

My names Brad, Brad Simpson.

Six months ago I met a guy called Tristan Evans, we met on Tinder... how corny right? Everything felt so right from the start, literally three dates in and I knew he was the one for me, he asked me if I wanted to label things and I thought it'd all just slip into place.

It did I guess. Every second I was with him, I just felt so fucking happy, like I could have been having the worst day ever but just being with him made everything better. I could tell him everything and anything without even worrying that he would judge me. I'd laugh with him about stupid little things and I thought he was perfect.

But it's not until you really sit and think about something, that you realise the flaws. I think I was so wrapped up in the idea of 'being in love' for the first time, that I ignored anything negative. Let's start with the controlling... I mean I never really thought about it, but he always liked to know where I was, I guessed it was just a relationship thing(?) but he never told me much in return, if I didn't say where I was I felt like maybe he'd be mad and it worried me, he always got angry with me about my spending patterns - sometimes I did spend money on shit but it was mine to do so. I guess the worst part in this control factor was that he hated my best friend Connor, I don't really understand why he had such a vindictive hate for him... but he did, and it got to this point where he wouldn't even let me see Connor because he told me if I did then he'd be upset with me. I remember so many nights when I'd stay at Tristan's and near the end, I'd just feel so shit and think 'why am I even doing this?' but again, I ignored it. So many times he would shoot down my opinion on things or tell my that my opinion was wrong (especially where music was concerned). It felt so one sided, like he could shoot down my opinions or express dislike for my friends but if I ever even attempted to return this to him, then he'd flip.

I don't even know why I did this? Like he even got to this point where he would make snide comments about my family or my pets and it just made me feel so shit... But I loved him so I ignored it.

Something I wish I'd said, but never did, was about how mad he got about the fact me and Connor kissed once before I'd met Tristan, but we were drunk and honestly it meant nothing (Con is fucking straight!) but he kissed his best friend Ted whilst we were dating and he was drunk, but he immediately said 'it meant nothing it was a drunk thing, you can't be mad'... It hurt so bad, like I always felt second best to his friend Ted... I liked him as a person but it always felt like I was never as good to Tristan as he was.

I'm just sat here, writing all this on an online blog like anybody will actually read it... Maybe someone will? Maybe someone can give me advice?

I didn't let him see I was upset when it ended... I went for the full dramatic effect really, throwing my ring he got me out the window and smashing the photo of us on his side.... because he 'couldn't give me what I needed' because of his 'mental state'... I guess that's it, the fact I told him everything about me but I still felt like I never knew the real him, like he didn't trust me?

I don't deserve this shit really... I'm a nice person. I never want to upset anyone, I spend all my time trying to keep everyone happy and for what?

I think the worst part is that I'd told him how people had hurt me in the past, how I'd trusted people and how they'd thrown it back in my face. He'd SEEN the effect that had on me... He PROMISED that he wouldn't ever hurt me like they did... but he still went and done it anyway.

But this is what I want to do. This is gonna be me blogging how I'm going to get the fuck over him and move the hell on.

Maybe he'll read it and he'll see what the fuck he's missed out on.

because let's be honest here, look at him... he'll never get someone else like me. Fuck I was way too good for him!

BWS  x