To begin

Holly Hurry

I wake up every morning with cold sweats and tossing and turning throughout the night. I've told my parents about it somehow they've brushed it off like it wasn't anything. I get out of my bed. The plain boring black sheets, looking around my dull room there's nothing but grey walls, and black curtains and bed-sheets and floors mats on the maple wood floor boards in my room. Opening the door and walking down the dull yellow stained walls and family pictures laced among the walls. If you took them off you could see the bright yellow paint beneath the picture that had been there for years. Opening the wooden door for the bathroom I walk in. Its not a very big bathroom you can fit two people in the bathroom at the most three one person in the shower, another on the toilet, and one person at the sink. The bathroom is dark. A dark blue almost royal blue, As soon as i turn the light on the floor illuminates into tiles with an odd pattern. Its mid July but my bathroom is still freezing like mid December. Taking the soft plaid shirt and leggings off i wait for the warm water to heat up and warm my cold body and un-tense my muscles from over thinking things like always. I hop in and sit in the tub and think. But when am i not ever thinking that's the thing really. I'm always thinking, there is never a day when i'm not thinking or worrying about something. Yesterday was my concert. I didn't go. I had practiced so hard for it, but the day of the concert i couldn't do it i couldn't breathe or see, I was taken to the hospital that day my parents were so scared, my dad picked me up and rushed me to the hospital. My parents are divorced. I live with my father. My mom isn't capable to really take care of me because of her "low income" i'm an only child and my father is barely home since i turned 15. He just said "Holly Ivory you are old enough to stay home alone and cook for yourself. Do not have any boys over and ask before bringing someone to the house." And I've listened to him, I'm to afraid to ask him to bring anyone over, and nobody wants to be friends with the boring girl who has 'problems' I've researched my problems before, Nothing really came up for it but Anxiety I've researched it , but i don't believe that i actually have it. It doesn't make sense i only have a few things that connect with it but i guess i need a professionals opinion. My dad says its all in my head, and my mom as well. I haven't really seen her much. My dad refuses to get me to a doctor about these things. Unless i'm physically sick and look like i'm dying he won't take me anywhere. Sadly I just put up with it and shut my mouth. I haven't talked to him about any of it since he came home drunk. And honestly I've been afraid of him ever since i won't even hug him anymore. I'm scared of just being alone with him. He didn't do anything that night just that night, he lost it a little and he thought i was my mother and yelled at me and told me to leave. I kept my window open in my room to have the sweet smell of spring in my room and i crawled through it when he forced me out of the house. That night i couldn't breathe and locked my door. Every night since then i locked my door. I need to stop thinking. I can barely breathe anymore. What happened to the lights? I can't see anymore. I can't breathe, whats going on? All i feel are the drops of water running down my skin. I try breathing but it hurts my diaphragm. I feel like i'm choking.