Funny Stuff!

A bunch of quotes.

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.

My mind says homework but my heart says fan fiction.

Marriage is a workshop. The husband works and the wife shops.

8 planets, 204 countries, 900 islands and I am still single

Sometimes I forget how to spell a word so I change the whole sentence to avoid using it.

HOME: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.

(Cat has paw on plugin for computer) Get the treats or I pull the plug.

MY DIET: Make all of my friends cupcakes, the fatter they get, the thinner I look.

Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I don't speak English.

(Nike swoosh) CAN'T SOMEONE ELSE JUST DO IT?

I'm pretty sure  if I smacked the stupid out of you, there would be nothing left.

Things to do: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed.

Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Kid: Why are you teaching during my conversation?

You're the cheese to my macaroni.

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Strangers think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm outgoing. My best friends know I'm completely insane!

Enjoy life, there's plenty of time to be dead.

Don't scare me, I poop easily.

Dear heart, please stop getting involved with everything. Your job is to pump blood. that's it.

Brother: Hey dad, I got a girlfriend. Dad: That's great! Sister:  Dad, I got a boyfriend. Dad: (Loads shotgun)

Jealousy is what makes a bitch talk shit.

Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever. The next morning, I woke up in a box. I got out and I realized the box was wrapped like a gift. 

Why are there no fat stick men?

If every woman could read minds, every man would get slapped.

MATH: the only place where people can buy 64 watermelons and no one wonders why.

Dear math, grow up and solve your own problems.