Reflection Of Death (Jahvie)

Chapter Four: Kyōki mirā

I'm really sorry this chapter took ten years to get written. Check out filthyanimalsgtc's account!

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It hurts. Everything did. From my growing anxiety to whenever my fingertips brush someone else, or to my never ending aching of my right eye. It felt like all of me was pulsating, the bruises screaming like the headache in my right temple.

This really sucked.

Preforming was probably the most agonizing thing I've had to do since attending high school. I felt too foreign, like I wasn't supposed to be on the stage. I miraculously managed to act okay though, only singing my lines and gently swaying to the beat since it hurt to even walk without feeling the need to limp. Dahvie however, seemed to be having the time of his life, cracking up the crows with cheesy jokes about his dick and just about anything else sexual. These jokes to me are usually dorky, but were laughable nonetheless. But now, the mere mention of the male genitalia made my stomach pinch, making me want to curl in on myself. The bruises aching and my backside screaming didn't even want to make me talk, much less laugh.

The worst part was probably the meet n' greet. I was jumpy all over. I signed things and forced a smile, but when it came to fans holding open their arms expectantly for an embrace, I wanted to just crawl into a hole. I loved to see my fans and make them happy, but at the moment, I was more concerned on my happiness, and that included not letting anyone get into a five foot radius of me.

But of course, I couldn't do that.

So I hugged every boy and girl tensed up, and when I was on my maybe fiftieth person, which was a short girl with neon green hair, the worst thing could've happened, "Jayy, are you okay?"

I blinked at her in surprise. I was expecting such a question, but not from a fan. I made my strained smile broaden more to convince the girl of the lie I told, "I'm fine, sweetheart."

Her brows furrowed and she stared at me for a long time. Finally, she spoke again, "you usually stand with Dahvie during your meet and greets. Did you two have a fight?"

Again, surprise. Did my fans really read me this well? I glanced to my right to where my husband was on the other side of the small merch booth, chatting intimately with a young blonde girl wearing one of their shirts. I looked back at the girl in front of me and let my smile falter a bit, "ah, something like that. Just a small hiccup. It'll be okay."

She frowned in concern but sighed a bit, finally taking the shirt I had signed back. She smiled, "well, okay. I know me trying to do something wouldn't work, so I just hope you two make up. Good luck!" she waved before walking away back into the crowd of teenagers.

He wanted to frown and to brood. But I couldn't do that. I had a job to do, and I wanted to do it quickly so I could crawl into bed and sleep until I couldn't anymore.

I was so tired.

Finally, after a round of maybe fifty more greetings, I allowed myself to drag my body to the bus. I slunk out of the back door as quietly as I could, enjoying the chill n the air as it made it easer to breathe.

It seemed some of the tension in my muscles seemed to start relaxing, probably because I was alone. I sighed into the night air and mentally scolded myself for not bringing my cigarettes. I was craving one pretty bad, my stomach lurching at the lack of tobacco.

Why did we park so far away? I wanted to smoke and sleep.

As I started getting the feeling I was going in the wrong direction, I finally caught sight of the bus in the parking lot. Another sigh, this one of relief.