Own Me

Chapter Twelve

♔ Chapter Twelve ♔ 

The coffee shop, again. The one on the corner of Peddler's Chare and old Whoping. They were those really old streets, off all of the main roads, with cobbled pathways and cute stores tucked away from the rest of the town. The coffee shop was on the crossroads between two of the old alleyways, so you couldn't really miss it. The smell of hot, burnt coffee beans soaked the tiny alley, and the entire time, I found myself watching my old Janoski's step after step, getting closer towards it.

When I looked up inquisitively, there it was. Brown, ancient wood, windows draped in old lace curtains, the entire place so overwhelmingly homely that a part of me itched to turn and run away from it. It was a feeling in my gut, to stay away from anything so homely, to keep back from anything that was remotely sweet or inviting.

Why I liked being around Sawyer, I couldn't understand. He was all of those things, but no part of me wanted to turn and run. If anything, it only made me want to stay with him, by his side, like nothing else mattered when he was around. That was what it was like, for sure, when he was near me. Everything around me faded into the heavy shadows, all of my concerns and my worries, all of my ugly insecurities and flaws - they were gone in an instant. Every negative thing in my life would melt away, just by looking at him, at his eyes, at his smile, by hearing his heavy Southern accent, and realising just how at home I felt with him.

I probably didn't even realise it at the time, but Sawyer was exactly the kind of person that I needed in my life, more than anything else. Someone who could make me feel like that, like I was flying above my regular self, it was what I needed to stop the downward spin my life had taken ever since Tom's death. I'd been trying on my own, and I did hate relying on other people to make me feel happy or confident, but I couldn't help it. His presence was all-consuming, and without him, I knew I wouldn't be happy.

No matter how transient it was, how fleeting he became, those were the kinds of moments that I held onto more than anything. Happy moments, considering there weren't that many. The kind of moments that would make me smile just before I fell asleep at night, with his face on my mind and in my dreams; the kind of moments that could hide away the negativity and shine above all the rest. The kind of moments that were so easy and forgetful and imperfect. The kind of moments that, at the time, mean so little, but looking back, mean the whole world to me. I needed more moments like that. No, not just me. Everybody needed more moments like that.

We sat down at the same table we did last time, by the window, and we looked over at each-other, letting the rest of the world just sort of trickle away.

"Shall we just share a hot chocolate?" he asked, and I nodded in reply. He told a nearby waitress and she fluttered off. "You okay?"

I nodded again. "Yeah, why?"

"Dunno. You just look a bit... sad, I guess."

"No, I'm peachy."

"Really, though?"

"I'm good, for now," I told him honestly.

"For now?"

"You never know how long it'll last, so yeah, for now."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Depends what it is," I conceded.

"Why do you sleep around?" By looking at his face, I could tell he wasn't judging. He was just inquiring. I mean, I'd told him I slept around, so I wasn't surprised. He knew about Isaac, although not everything. He knew we'd had sex, and not much else.

"Why?" I asked, in response, letting his question sink in. "Well, why not?"

"Seriously."

"It's not like I have a choice," I breathed out.