Sloane, [DISCONTINUED]

̶t̶̶w̶̶o̶

Dear Sloane,

      It's just starting to get light again. I didn't go to sleep last night, I couldn't. But when you live in the city that never sleeps, it's easier to stay up all night. My insomnia has gotten so much worse. I used to be able to fall asleep, it took a while, but at least I was sleeping. I guess it was just easier to sleep with you wrapped up in my arms. My bed is colder without you beside me. Of course it really helps that I can't turn the thermostat up and that the temperature gets really low at night.

     I'm listening to Elizabeth by the Airborne Toxic Event and thinking of you. But then again, when am I not thinking of you? I remember all the tiny little details about you that you thought I didn't notice. Like how you'd rather have Earl Grey than Chamomile. Or how you have that one freckle on the bridge of your nose that's darker than the others. Or the fact that you wear at least one thing with blue on it, everyday.

     I remember the way you look while you sleep. The way the sunlight filtered through the cracks in the curtains and made your eyelashes look almost blonde. Your steady breaths tickling my chest as you lay beside me. The way your mouth would be slightly open and how you'd always curl up into a ball when you slept.

     This type of thinking really isn't good for me. Because then I think of all the ways in which I messed up and how much I wish you were beside me and how happy you are now that you've moved on in life and how miserable and alone I am without you to hold.

     Who's skin am I supposed to study as the sun slowly warms up the world? Who's eyes am I supposed to stare into before falling asleep and after waking up? Who's neck am I supposed to bury my face in when I need someone to be there? Who's body am I supposed to pull closer to mine for warmth in the middle of the night?

     I was supposed to protect you, Sloane. I was supposed to shelter you, care for you, hold you. I was supposed to be the one to make you smile when all you wanted was to break down and cry. I was supposed to make you want to live again when the thing you wanted most was to not be alive. But instead I hurt you. I made you cry and when all I wanted to do was hold you and make it better, I couldn't.

     I'm sorry if you hate me, Sloane. I know you hate me. I'm sorry cheated. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.

     It was stupid. I was scared and I was lonley. I didn't know how to be with you and I didn't know how to be without you. If there's anything in my life that I could redo, it would be that night. I don't even remember who it was that I slept with. Some stranger, I think. Like it matters though.

     "It's true I love you, Elizabeth. I love the way you move in that silly white dress. 'Cause the truth is hard, to admit. But I've never known love this is just my best guess."

     You are my best guess, you are my only guess. The reason I did what I did, was because I was scared. I was (am) so hopelessly in love with you, and I didn't know what to do. I've never been in love with anyone but you. I knew you'd leave me someday, everyone always leaves. For a while, you were the only constant in my life. And I guess that scared me. I was so afraid that you'd leave me, that I felt I had to push you away. I loved you so much and I didn't want to lose you, so of course I drove you away. I thought it was the only way to save myself from the pain and heartbreak, later on.

     But boy, was I wrong.

     Seeing that look on your face, seeing the silent tears sliding down your cheeks when I told you what happened, broke my heart. I hurt myself by hurting you. But I didn't know what else to do.

     I thought that once you had left, I would move on; get over you. I didn't think I would be sitting alone, at nearly six in the morning, thinking about you. While you're probably being held by some other man, who won't betray you the way I did.

     "You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shady spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when it blows. This is why I am afraid, when you say that you love me too." That's why I was scared, Sloane. Nowadays, you can never tell when someone's lying or telling the truth. I should have believed you when you said you'd love me forever. I know I'll love you forever. Even if you don't think I will.

     But you deserve someone special. You deserve someone that would make the Earth stop turning, just for you. You deserve someone that will appreciate you and find the little things in life that make you happy. You deserve someone who will capture the stars and bring them down to Earth for you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like he put water in the ocean and the sun in the horizon purely because you like the way it looks.

     You deserve the world, Sloane. And I hope someday you get it.

     I think this is all I can take, right now. Too many bad emotions tend to be unhealthy at times. Anyways, I guess that's my explanation. I know it doesn't justify what I did, and it doesn't make it any better, but I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me. I think if you ever do forgive me, I would be content.

     Good morning to the beautiful girl that deserves the world. I hope you slept well last night.

                Love,

                Jeremy, the man who's getting to work early today

A/N: Ok, I only like some parts of this chapter, so I don't really know. I'll probably edit it later, but right now I can't really think of any ways to make it better and not sound completely horrible. Hope you at least enjoyed it a bit, though :)