"Not there, you dork, put it a bit to the right," he rolled his dark eyes and ruffled up his mop of pink hair. The house was still and quiet and a mess of rainbow coloured streamers flooded the living room. It was the beginning of summer, the humidity was palpable and it was not doing any good to Woozi's mood.
"You better be thankful that Hoshi's also my friend," he blew air up to his fringe, blowing it away from his sweaty forehead. It was your boyfriend's birthday and the members were helping you set up a surprise for him. You convinced Woozi to help you set up the living room while Hoshi was out with the other members. So, he made up some excuse that he has to stay back and fix up some things in the studio.
"Aw. Thank you, soon dubu-ssi, you are the bestest friend ever," you lightly pinched his flushed cheeks. You have always called him soft tofu ever since you were kids. You have always thought that he looked so cute and soft, despite his serious personality.
He grabbed your hands and forced it off him with a scrunched up nose. "Yah, stop." You stuck your tongue out at him and turned back around to continue working on the table where the food was going. He turned back around and held back a little smile, a hand on his cheek where your hand met his.
A while later, the two of you managed to hang up the banner and line the table with the food you made. Looking around, it felt nice, you felt accomplished. When you turned to look at Woozi, he was looking back at you and he smiled. Without any spoken words, you both walked towards a wall and slumped down and against each other. "We did well, Jihoon-ah. Thanks for helping," he nodded in response and leaned a bit more into your shoulder. It felt soothing to you, you found comfort somehow with the way you rested against each other. You'd never know, but he did, too.
Not long after, a loud chorus of voices resounded from outside. You scrambled up to your feet and quickly hid behind the couch. Woozi looked around and found his spot in an alcove between the doorway and the living room.
All the boys came stumbling in, loud laughs coming from Mingyu and what sounds like Vernon to you. Hoshi came in last, just as planned, and he took a while to gather what was happening.
You jumped out from behind the couch and yelled "Surprise!" while taking quick steps towards him. You threw your arms around his neck and smiled while looking into his eyes."Happy Birthday, jagi," you whispered against his lips and kissed his nose. His lips curled up into a grin and his eyes followed. Tightly, he held you and buried his face into the crevice between your neck and your shoulders. "Jagiya, I didn't expect this. Thank you," he looked at your face, studying your features before he placed a slow, gentle kiss upon your lips.
You both seemed to be so into your own world that you didn't notice the hollers from the boys and the few others who started picking on the food as if no one noticed them.
Woozi slowly stepped out from where he was hiding and breathed in the scene in front of him, the world in slow motion. His face remained blank, his eyes bleak, his heart in a slow, steady beat. He watched as everyone hooted and cheered around you and Hoshi. He watched closely his hand slid down gently from your hand, into your hand, and intertwining them tenderly. For a split second, his eyes met yours and you saw a flash of emotion you've never seen before. Guilt, pain, regret.When your eyes met his, that's when he felt his heart drop.
From across the room, he felt a million miles away from you now. A few minutes ago, he was so close. So, so, so close to grasping your hand, but now it feels like he was dragged farther away from ever touching you.
He never told you, but he liked it when you started calling him soon dubu when you were kids, nobody has ever called him anything like that, but you. It was something the two of you shared. He liked it when you'd pat or pinch his cheeks because that was the closest he could get to you. He never told you, but his eyes would always trail down from your eyes to your lips, and oh how badly did he want to kiss them; but he can't. He's so afraid of ruining his friendship with Hoshi, and especially not you. He can never risk ruining that. He was content with being friends with you if that's the only way to be close to you. If that was the only way to always be next to you.
You'll never know about the multiple songs he wrote about you. You'll never know about the sleepless nights he spent, thinking about what could've been if only he had been brave enough to take the risk.You'll never know how badly he wanted to grab the chance to grasp your hand and finally feel what it's like to hold it. Mostly, you would never know just how much pain it caused him to see you happy and him not being part of the reason why. How much pain he has to go through every day, waking up and knowing that it's another day without you in his arms and knowing that it's not him you wake up thinking about.
He shook all of these thoughts away, looking at you and his best friend. You had on the smile he always admired from afar. To him, that was enough. If that was what it took for you to be happy, then he sure as hell would let it happen.
Jihoon took big steps towards Hoshi and bumped into him, succeeding in separating the two of you. He wrapped his left arm around Hoshi's neck and pulled him down for a hug.
"Happy birthday, Hosh," he smiled at him. The members took this as an opportunity to start bombarding the birthday boy and hit him on the back to wish him a happy birthday. You looked at Jihoon, a few strings tugging at your heart.
A sad smile pulls across your lips. As much as you regret it, you can't just break it off with someone as nice as Hoshi. He was caring, kind, understanding, faithful, and everything you'd want a boyfriend to be. The only thing was, he just wasn't Lee Jihoon.
He wasn't your best friend since lunchbox days. He wasn't the cute boy who has a little waddle in his walk. He wasn't the one who stayed up with you when you had multiple homework to plow through. He wasn't the kid you called soon dubu because his cheeks looked like soft tofu. He is not and will never be that kid.
From a million miles away, you could only look at his eyes, his smile. You could only dream of holding his hand, of his lips Never touch. From a million miles away, you can only recount all of the things you never told him and he'd never know.
--
January 9, 2016
