Ava's love

I

I often talk to myself when I am alone. Taking walks on dark cold nights are healing for me. The great thing about talking aloud is you feel as though you have someone there listening, without having to worry about sharing your weaknesses or burdening with problems. The wind will carry your secrets forever and not tell a soul, no judgement, no replies, just silent company.
That's what I like you see. I'm like a voice activated diary, I control the content and its readers. My companions only see one side of me. I feel as though I walk around wearing a mask, smothering my true feelings and identity just to protect my inner. When I'm alone that mask can be removed and I can break down until I have to cover myself again.

I'm a hopeless romantic, yet I seem to be hopeless when it comes to even finding anyone decent. When I find a decent guy I always end up fucking up. When I find a guy who is clearly after a trophy on his arm for a night out and nothing more, well I seem to let those guys mess with my head.
Why? Quite shallow really, I was a sucker for looks. Guys with looks have zero personality and guys with a 10 personality usually don't tickle your boat in the looks department.
There's this guy I have been messing around with for a few years now. He is so handsome that when I'm around him I don't even care about being intimate, I just love staring at him. That alone can set me off. He is a total head fuck though. I mean I feel fucked up now just for the fact of knowing him. He is heartless to say the least and he does not feel bad in the slightest after bullshitting a girl into bed. That's how we carried on for so long. I would tell him that I'm done with fooling around and he would tell me how much he likes me but doesn't want his friends to get involved... Blah blah blahhh.
It's a long story actually but kind of explains why he didn't want his friends involved. None of us are on talking terms anymore which is hard living in the same town and all but Ye it ended with a kind of kaboom and another added hole in my heart.
I met him on a night out after I broke up with my ex who happened to be one of the good guys! Yep you can guess who fucked that relationship up... But anyway I was heartbroken and alone. I lost my best friend and basically only had fake friends who always wanted to get drunk on a weekend. So there I was, out and very drunk, I must have consumed at least 50 units I'm guessing. So I was sat outside a shitty little bar in my town wearing a bodycon little black dress which broke the girl code, both cleavage and legs were on show not one or the other. I always felt like a million dollars when I wear it. All eyes on me from every direction, door men grab my hand and escort me through a bar door just to have one ounce of body contact. That's how powerful my trusted little black dress is.
My contour was on point that night, highlight powerful and eyebrows looked killer. I never over do my make up though, I always try to make it look natural as possible by just enhancing what I've got. I don't wear eyeshadow and only one coat of mascara. One tear drop of foundation, a little powder and blush then a few shadows and highlights just to give my makeup a ready for the night look.
My hair is big, I spose that may be because I'm mixed race, I'm known for my big curly hair and huge bottom. My town is small and everybody knows everybody here, but me... Well I'm one of 3 mixed race girls here and we are treated like royalty from both guys and females. I used to be a very quiet girl who never went out. The first time I experienced a night in a club was when I was 20. That was late compared to all my friends who had been going out to clubs before we even finished high school. I have always had a good handful of breasts, tiny waist and huge bum since I was like 13. When I was in high school the rage was skinny girls with a thigh gap the size of a cola bottle so I never got much male attention. I finished my last year and suddenly every guy was raving about Rihanna and Kim Kardashian and I became the girl every guy wanted in my town. I had every boy from school who I thought never looked at me or even acknowledged my existence messaging me on Facebook. Was quite funny really, even guys in relationships where begging for my attention. I ignored them all though because there was one guy who had been my boyfriend for over a year. We mainly just spoke over the phone and text long paragraphs to each other every day. We met like once and it was peeing down of rain. We had to run and take shelter under a slide on a park. That was where I had my first proper snog. I felt very nervous because he was known as a ladies man and I was the girl no one knew so you can imagine the brown in my knickers at that moment!
Anyway that was another failed relationship which lasted 5 and half years.
So there I was stood outside the crappy little bar in my town, very drunk and on the parole for a rebound to keep me entertained when I feel lonely. To be honest, I was outside sat on a step socially smoking and flirting with a blonde female. We were both talking about how we had given up on men and willing to turn... Then out he strolled with his loud friends. I looked up and blinked in shock. He must have been the best looking guy I had ever seen. Beautiful blue eyes, kissable lips, ash blonde hair, beard and his dress sense was sending me over the edge. He was my dream guy that I had not even dreamed of because he was so perfect!
So I was there mouth hanging open starstruck staring at this guy when his friends burst through the bar door being loud. He was the quiet one of the bunch, he just stood there taking everything in. I got into conversation with one of his loud friends, he walked over and uninvitedly joined in. We were all chatting and laughing for a good half an hour, then me and this perfect guy ended up holding hands whilst walking over the road to the only little crappy club in town 'velvets'. He brought me a few drinks and I made a fool of myself by asking his name for the 7th time that evening. His name is Ryan btw.
We got dancing, ended up kissing and I gave him my number. I left the club early which he charmingly waited for a taxi with me and kissed me goodbye. When I got home I peeled my dress off and my phone started buzzing, it was him.
We spoke on the phone for hours, convo just flew and I really enjoyed talking to him. Speaking to Ryan felt natural, like I had known him for years. That's the thing about head fuck guys, they have the power to make you feel at home, they get under your skin and into your mind without you even realising. Then when you realise... The damage is already done.