For pain demands to be felt

When the worst pain arrived

He was readying his gun with a smile on his face.

"I can't understand how you can still be happy and optimistic in a situation like this" I told him while standing up a bit and looking out the window to see if they had arrived yet. He didn't respond and I sat down again.

"How do you do it? You know, be positive and everything." He still didn't respond but this time he looked at me and he had a different kind of smile on his face. One that I did not recognize. He looked down again and finished the last step, I figured he would get in position by bringing the gun up and looking through. I figured he'd stand up and look through the window of he'd wait and he'd try to hear if they had arrived yet. I was just about to get my own gun when he looked at me again, the same unrecognizable smile on his face.

"Tanner, what's wrong?" I asked, hesitantly. No response. He brought his gun up and instead of pointing the gun towards the wall with the window, he pit the tip inside of his mouth. Before I could do anything there was a loud bang and I felt something on my face.

Time stood still, right then and there, in that moment. My eyes were wide in shock. One of the things on my face started to drip down my cheek. I figured I was crying, so I wanted to wipe it away. Instead of found red on my hand. His blood. I wanted to scream and cry, but I simply couldn't. I didn't have a voice anymore. I didn't have tear ducts. I didn't have emotions whatsoever. The only things I could do was look at Tanner's body, his head was halfway gone, and feel the stuff on my face. I didn't want to know what else was on there, but I knew it was more than blood. I wanted to throw up, but it would be too loud. Finally, my tear ducts started working and I clasped my hand over my mouth, so I wouldn't make any noises. The loud bang that Tanner's gun had made, had most definite reached far. Which meant that they would be here soon. I knew I only had one option and it made me want to throw up even more. Tanner had giving up and I stood no change as to winning from those horrible creatures. We had a plan. We could beat them together and now I was alone. I stood up and stared running. I could hear them coming and I needed to get out of here as fast and as soon as possible. This horrible plan was the only way I would survive. The blood from Tanner's body would lure those monsters in and the would feast on his body. In that time I could get somewhere safe. I refused to think about what it would like when they found his body. I made my mind blank and ran. I never went back there.

I still don't know exactly why he did it. Some people tell me he probably thought that he would save me. But I know that isn't true. I would have survived both ways. We would have killed all of them together, we were more than capable of that together. We were brave and strong. Or at least I thought so. I had always seen him as strong. I was physically and emotionally stronger, but his optimism gave him strength. We were total opposites, but I always thought that we would both survive this war. That we would be happy when we had finally won this battle. That we would go see the ocean, like he had always wanted to. That idea made me fight. He gave me my strength and will. I knew that as long as I would stand next to him to protect him, he would be safe and we would both survive. But I was wrong. I never had a change to protect him. I was sitting right next to him when he took his own life.

For a long time after his death, I didn't do anything. I'd lay in my bed and Sasha or Arlo would bring me food. I didn't want to live. He was the only family I had left and I lost everyone once again. First when I was just a little girl and now again. This time it went slower, first his mom and a few years later his dad and now, after all this time he left me too. It's like I have this curse. Like I attract death.

When the third week of laying in bed arrived, the captain walked in. I refused to look at him, I still hated his guts for beating Tanner up, I didn't care about the fact that he had a reason and that he saved Tanner's life. He crossed a line and that's that.

"We're training at 8 and you better be there you dipshit, or I will make sure that you have stable cleaning duty for the rest of life." He left after that. I had no intention of going, but I still looked at the clock and saw that it was 5. I don't why or how I got up, but somehow I ended up at the training grounds at 8. The captain was already there.

"I see you finally decided to arrive."

"You said 8. It's 8 now, which means I'm on time." He looked at me like I had just said the stupidest thing he had ever heard.

"Did I ask you to speak, cadet? No, I didn't, so shut the fuck up and get in position." I did what he asked me and he attacked me. I dodged and tried to swing at his back, but he caught my arm. It went like that for a while, he'd attack I would try to dodge and attack, but he was way better than me. I didn't stand a change and could call myself lucky every time I  managed to avoid his attacks in a way that wouldn't leave me with a deep purple bruise.

We trained for an hour and I was glad to finally feel something else than sadness or pain. Even if it meant getting beat up and being sweaty and badly bruised.

"That's enough for today. Don't get so depressed on me again and don't you dare tell me that he was only reason to fight. Don't fight for one person, that's the dumbest thing you can do. So find another reason to fight, 'cause you're coming with us on the next expedition, wether you like it or not, and without a reason you fight you won't survive. We can't afford to lose someone like you." After that he just walked off and all I could do was stare at his back. How was I supposed to just find a new reason to fight? Especially since I had just lost my one and only reason to live...