the heartbreak collection

what i had to realize

I had to realize that even without you, the sun would still rise and the night would still fall. I had to realize that I am my own person, who is in control of their own actions. I had to realize that I shouldn't be surrounding my actions around what you would like me to do, or whatever would make you happy. I had to realize that without you in my bed beside me, I had a lot of room to myself. But the con of that was I was searching for someone to find and fill the spot. I had to realize that the pictures of me and you smiling on my phone weren't helping me cope, it was just causing more pain.  The videos of me and you laughing together were times that are gone now. Gone with all the little "I'm so in love with you" messages. Gone with all the glances you tried to take at me without me noticing. I had to realize that even if you were in my life, or even being mine, my heart would still be broken because the pieces are too shattered to pieces back together. That you kissing me once again would only be a temporary fix to the heartbreak I was going through, and would only add more stress and sorrow in the end. I thought your arms were my home, but I only felt safe because everything around me was falling apart. But I had to leave that home and walk on a broken road, filled with cracks and missing parts. And no, I'll never be able to replace you. That always bothers me at night, and while I gaze at the stars I remember you're staring at the same place and it pains me to think that we will always be together in one way or another. I don't wanna even stare into those amazing eyes ever again because I'm scared I'll get lost in them once again and throw all my lessons out the window just to grasp one more kiss from you. I had to realize I'm better on my own, I'm better to deal with these breakdowns on my own. I don't have to stress anyone out anymore. I don't have to pester anyone with my problems anymore, and I can finally pretend I'm alright. I don't have to be the depressing person everyone seeks me out to be. But the one thing I'm not alone on is I'm not the only one who feels this way. Other people are crying and covering their mouth trying to hide the sobs from their friends or family. Other people are looking for a way to distance themselves away from the pain, whether it be self harm, drinking, smoking, whatever. I'm not the only one who lost all that they've become, and feels so helpless. I can't help myself because I'm so incapable of even getting out of bed anymore. I can't help myself because my definition of helping is taking away the pain with more pain. I had to realize that I'm so much better without you, but without you I'm basically nonexistent. But maybe I don't wanna exist anymore. But I don't wanna be the person who killed themselves from a simple heartbreak, because isn't that just so weak?