'So far nothing has happened, yet. Maybe I'm just paranoid because my head is still spinning that Carson still wants me after all this time. He still wants me. I'm literally crazy right now. After all that's happened, what I did because of over thinking, and I'm still doing it. I need serious help. Carson is such a great guy and we're going good. Not a lot has happened since that day. We hang out a lot. He comes to my house and we cuddle and watch movies. We never talk about the past or our relationship. I think that's a bad thing but I don't know. Oh my goodness, here I go again.' I laugh aloud at myself. I decided to call Carson and tell him I wanna talk to him.
I hear a knock on my door and instantly have a rush go through my body. Carson stands in my doorway, smiling. He walks up to me and gives me a hug. "Hello beautiful" he says. I just smile and turn my head away, laughing. I didn't believe, I never have. I grew to hate myself for what I did to Carson. I was really skinny from all the drugs. My hair was cute really short because I hadn't given a shit anymore. I never dressed nice, I skipped school a lot. I made really bad grades. I just didn't live right. Carson was staring at me and put his finger under my chin and lifted my head. "What are you thinking about Maariyah?" I didn't answer him. "Maariyah please answer me." I instantly started crying. I couldn't take this anymore. "Carson, how can you sit here and be with me after all that I did to you? You have scars! I fucking hurt you!" He tried to grab my arm but I pulled away and got off the bed. "Don't touch me like it's okay, Carson. Because it's fucking not." I couldn't stop crying and all he was doing was staring at me. He looked like he was going to say something but nothing came out. I finally pulled myself together and went to the bathroom. "Can you please leave" I said as I found a razor. He still didn't say anything so I started to run some water in the tub. He banged on the door. I stopped that water. "What Carson?" I replied with tears filling my eyes. This wasn't what I wanted. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for what I did to him. How am I going to live a life with him when I all I can think about is what I've done. I don't want that for myself, but I want him. I don't know what to do. I finally decided to open the door. I layer the razor on the side of the tub, and turned off the water. I opened the door and there was Carson sitting on my bed. As soon as he saw me and ran up to me and engulfed me in a hug. I loved his smell, and his warmth. He was taller than me so he rested his head on mine, he kissed my head and pulled away. He stared at me for a couple minutes. He looked into the bathroom and noticed the razor. He gasped. "Maariyah... why...?" I didn't know how to reply. I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "because I hate myself." He had a really hurt look on his face, and he started to cry. I was really confused. Why was he crying? "Carson?" I said faintly. "What Maariyah? Actually don't reply I can't even think. I'm gonna go lay down on your couch for a bit an I'll come back up here in a little bit." He ran off down the stairs. I was really confused. I walked into the bathroom and hid my razor in my secret spot. I had multiple ones. I wish I didn't. I wish the wasn't the life I had. All I wanted was to be happy with Carson. He is such a wonderful, successful person. While I was gone he worked really hard for his grades and to keep up. I decided to take a nap and let him think through all this.
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Okay. Well it has really been a long time since I've updated😂 I am so sorry it's been a really crazy couple of months. I'm really gonna try to keep updating, but it's kinda hard so be patient with me. So this chapter was really short and I'm sorry for thatttt buttt enjoy😋
