"Nobody cares."
"You're just too ugly."
"I can't believe how stupid you are."
I laugh at my own stupid insults as a tear runs down my cheek, "It's all falling apart," I say, aloud this this time.
I look at myself in the mirror. He didn't like me, I wasn't pretty, those people who call me pretty or smart just pity me because they see me for what I really am.
"My baby girl," my moms voice echoed through my mind.
"I thought you looked really pretty last night."
"Wow, I've never seen you in.. White, I mean uh, you know..."
"Only a crazy person would find you adorable, then again, I'm pretty crazy myself."
"You know who's hot? My friend Savanna, and y'know umm...y-you."
I smiled at the last one, but shook my head.
No. None of them like you. How stupid could you get?
I looked at the cabinet under the bathroom sink. It held bleach.
I went to open the cabinet but threw myself up against a wall to stop myself, "God why am I so overdramatic," I whispered hoarsely, it wasn't exactly a question; I knew why. I had been dealing with this shit since second grade.
"Dude-just sayin but you have really big boobs."
"Button up your shirt, slut."
"Oh, I'd like me a piece of that."
"You should wear makeup, you'd be so much prettier."
"You look cuter with your hair like this."
"You should bring a brush to school or something, your hair gets really knotted."
I told them all that I didn't care how I looked. But that was such a lie. They forced me to care.
Why do you let them?
Thanks brain, but I don't exactly need inspirational tumblr quotes right now.
I was about to open the cabinet again when I forced myself out of the bathroom and into my bedroom, my sister was away at outdoor school so my 6 year old brother wanted to sleep in my room.
I laid on my bed, I felt so numb. The only life in me was terrified, burning and raging at my core, but so dim on the surface.
My mom walked in and I sat up. I didn't know when I had decided but I did, I had to tell her.
"M-Mom?" I was shaking badly and I felt like I was going to puke. She looked at me, obviously worried and I beckoned her to sit on my bed, she complied immediately.
"I-I've been having these umm th-thoughts--" I choked up and sobbed loudly before continuing,"a-about myself-f-f." I was crying so badly I could barely form coherent sentences.
"What kind of thoughts?" My mom-who was now rubbing my back trying to comfort me-asked.
"I-I was in the bathroom earlier a-and, I-I thought about drinking the ble-each." I sobbed loudly as my mom hugged me tight--saying comforting things that I hardly paid any mind to, but i scoured her comforts for my chance.
After a while she said it, "Hell, I wouldn't even care if you were gay." She laughed a little at the end.
"M-mom? I'm bi." We both laughed and she hugged me harder.
We stayed like that for a good bit of time- I wasn't sure how long- and then went off to give my dad the news.
About ten minutes later I got up to get water and ran into my parents going out to smoke a cigarette.
"He's ok." My mom said and I smiled wide. My dad hugged me.
"Why would I not be ok? I like girls too: they're pretty." I laughed a little before walking off to get water again.
I went into my room and I knew exactly what I had to do: I sent a message on a group that had my two best friends since kindergarten on it. I knew they would be ok with this, hell, they know that Destiel is love and Destiel is life. I sent the message-- the one in the picture-- and waited, then went to sleep. I had school in the morning after all.
I was happier the next day then I had been all year. My friends responded well to it. In 1 1/2 months I would come out to my closest friend at school on the way home from a parade we had played in. A week after that, I would come out to my sister. Two weeks after that, I would come out to my most trusted teacher. Now, three weeks after that I'm completely open about it. I never formally came out to anyone else, but they didn't really need it anyway. If they ask, I'll tell them. All this means is that I'll still be in love with the Doctor if he has a female regeneration.
This is the story of the night I came out. It is completely true, even down to the thoughts I had that night, I just wanted to post this because I wanted to share this with someone. I just want you to know that I'm doing better now, the depression hasn't completely gone away, I doubt it ever will, but I'm slowly getting better. I hope this can help someone.
I love you all so much
~Trinity M.
