I shot up from my bed quickly, already crying. The nightmares just wouldn't leave.
I held my head and tangled my fingers in my hair as a wave of regret, guilt, sadness and anger hit me all at once. Seventeen years ago I never would have pictured my life like this.
I stood up on shaky legs, my vision blurring for a second, as I walked into the bathroom, trying to not trip over anything in the process. I wasn't very neat and my room was not very bright.
Speaking of bright, Xanax, the light of my life.
I let two tabs dissolve in my mouth as I walked down my stairs and into the kitchen. At least I still have my house. Half the furniture is gone, along with my family. But don't worry they left the pictures. I'd take them down but I can't look at them long enough without feeling so... Lost.
I looked through the fridge and took out my personal favorite, Bacardi.
I only had half a bottle, about the length of my forearm, left. I took the bottle with me to the couch and I turned on the tv.
I tried to that is. I guess I forgot to pay my cable bill, but hey that's alright. Isn't the first time.
I scrolled through Facebook seeing pictures of people with their families, taking a swig of the alcohol. I drank this as if it was water now. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
It slid down my throat nicely, I was numb to the tingles and burns it left throughout my body. All I could focus on was the feeling it left me with. It filled a hole in me that nothing else could. It made the emptiness seem silly and I loved it.
Everybody... With their families. Their lives. Everyone looks so happy. Like they have everything they could want, because they do. I can't stand scrolling through my phone day after day looking at pictures of what my life could have been, but I do. I don't know why really. It's just another form of self destruction masked in a sheet of normality.
As I was lost in my thoughts of resentment towards, well everybody, I got a notification.
A client of mine had messaged me asking me what I was doing. I of course responded with my usual answer of 'nothing for a price'. Before I knew it was stepping out of the cold shower and going through my clothes. I shuffled through my drawers feeling dizzy and light. Perfect.
I took out a black laced thong with a matching bra to match. Jason was simple... For the most part.
I then pulled on some dark blue skinny jeans and a red tank top and was satisfied. I didn't brush my hair, it would just get messy again anyways. So I drowned myself in hairspray and perfume, quickly applying red lipstick and lining my eyes with black.
I grabbed my purse making sure it was filled with the essentials. A small bottle of Jack Daniels, check. Condoms, check. Pepper spray, check. Keys, check. Some bus fair money, check. Finally my makeup and perfume, check and check.
I felt so so light. My body knew where it was going. What bus to take, what streets to walk down. But my mind was elsewhere. Walking down these streets I felt nothing. No shame, no sadness, no anger, just nothing. I was numb and I was free on this walk.
Before I knew it I was at Jason's door. I rang the bell as soon as I could reach it and Jason as per usual answered it in just jeans. He wasn't all that attractive really. Messy brown hair, brown eyes and the stomach of a fifty year old dad.
He greeted me with a kiss and lead me out of the moonlight and inside the house I had become very familiar with. He told me what he wanted and I got to work as fast as I could.
It took about forty five minutes and a lot of faking it but a job is a job, right?
He handed me two hundred fifty dollars. Jason could afford it. In fact he encouraged it. He didn't care what I charged him, he just gave the money out. It was ridiculous. I guess if you have money and nobody to spend it on you get desperate.
As I was buttoning my pants Jason spoke, which was highly unusual. He prefers to get it done and kick me out.
"So... Jen, my friend is coming over tomorrow with his girlfriend and I don't want to third wheel." He said beating around the bush a little.
"How much?" I sighed. I don't really care how much if I'm being honest, anything would do. I'm just curious.
"Five hundred if you stay for dinner." He said blankly.
If I was drinking something I'd have choked on it. Five hundred for a dinner?! That's ridiculous.
I accepted the offer imminently but soon remembered that I have nothing to wear. He stood up swiftly and made his way to his closet, which he opened and pulled something out.
It was a simple black dress with spaghetti straps. "It's my sisters, she left it here when she came to visit." He threw the dress at me.
I hung it over my arm suddenly feeling nausea. I'll be fine.
I told him I'd see him tomorrow and left the house feeling the same as when I walked there. Nothing but at the same time I felt free. The nausea subsided and I decided pulling out my JD bottle wasn't a bad idea. Sip after sip I felt better and better.
I used to be so nervous about this, going to the houses of random men. But then something happened in me. I stopped caring. I don't care about what happens to me. I don't care about my life. I'm just living to see what happens.
The humidity hugged my skin like a blanket and I felt disgusting and sticky, however I was simply too tired to really pay attention to it. The thought of the humidity left my mind as quickly as it came and my mind was wandering to a new place. A sad place.
I decided against taking the bus and by the time I got home the sun would probably be about to rise.
The rest of my walk home consisted of thoughts of Coraline. At first I thought of her beauty. She looked like Vic but was just like me, her eyes were a beautiful deep brown and her lips were full and quiet. For the most part.
I ruined that.
I ruined everything.
I'm just like my father.
I made her loud. She screamed to me. Because of me. I broke my little girl and I'm never going to forgive myself.
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Heylo chickadees! Long time no write, gosh I missed this site. But I'm back and I plan on finishing this story. My plan is to post as frequently as humanly possible but for me that's still kinda slow.... Pls don't leave me.
But yeah I have no idea where exactly I want to take this story but I do know how I wanna start it. Sorry it's so sad at the moment, I know it's not like me but hey sometimes you gotta read sad stuff, Mkay?
Also I know it's confusing I'm sorry I promise you'll be not confused in a few chapters because we all know how bad I am at taking my time to develop a story.
ALLSSOSOOOOSOSO HEY READ THIS PLS. Okay so I know that some parts f the story are going to seem off but please forgive me I haven't written this in so long so I forget a lot of details and I would really rather not have to go back and read my other stories just so I get every single thing right. But if you do want to message me or anything to point things out or if you have questions I'll gladly fix the mistake and answer you just don't be rude about it because I'm sensitive. See you guys next chapter.
~LittleMissFreakShow<3
