Sleepwalk

Jihoon thought their love would last. Their love was supposed to surpass every obstacle and prevail. He promised, Seungcheol promised he would stay with Jihoon for eternity. They made a vow to stay strong and stay together forever, but no, Seungcheol broke that vow, so now Jihoon sits in that god forsaken chair with a picture of Seungcheol. He feels as if his entire being is shattered. His face reveals no emotion. He doesn’t want the others to see he’s hurting. He doesn’t want them to feel pity for him. It’s been so hard trying to calm his tears. He’s tried so hard to lessen that ache in his heart. Seungcheol was his light, his everything, and now that he isn’t with him, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

Jihoon’s no longer the person he used to be. He’s well aware that he sounds pathetic, but it’s just what he feels. The other members have observed the changes in his demeanor. They realize how much he’s hurting, they know how much this hurts him, and it hurts them too, but they can see that Jihoon has a more difficult time understanding that Seungcheol left. That’s how life is. People leave and sometimes there’s nothing that can be done. They’ve come to terms with this, but Jihoon, he hasn’t. He’s not ready to. They’ve seen how much he’s hurting, and they know of the countless sleepless nights that have gone by for him. He’s gone through so many sleepless nights, that the idea of sleep is almost foreign to him, almost. If Jihoon had a choice, he’d never choose to sleep. He’s always slept with Seungcheol. Sleeping in his own bed is weird, he’s gotten so used to Seungcheol’s comforting presence at night that he can’t get used to the fact that it will never happen again. He no longer has that presence to hold on to, to make him feel safe. Unfortunately for Jihoon, even if he does sleep, he isn’t overcome with peace, no, it’s worse than being awake.

He sleepwalks. Even in his sleep induced self he searches for that comfort that is long gone. He can’t remember when it first started. He never remembers anything after he sleeps. All he remembers is heading to his lonely bed and closing his eyes. After that everything is a blur. During the night he places himself in his bed and the next, he’s being awoken in Seungcheol’s room by one of the members. It’s always the same routine. He always manages to walk into Seungcheol’s room as he buries himself into the sheets and hugs one of the pillows, trying to preserve what little he has of Seungcheol. Why did Seungcheol have to leave?

Why did you leave? Those are the thoughts that plague his mind when he tries to sleep. He’s tried not to think about it, but it’s impossible not to think about it. Every time he closes his eyes, all he sees is him. All he sees are those wonderful moments they’ve shared, all those times they would get lost in each other eyes and get lost in each others touches. It’s as if his mind refuses to believe he’s gone. It drives him crazy.

When will let go?

Honestly, he doesn’t want to. Even if he left him, Jihoon doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to leave the thought of Seungcheol behind. He can’t. He doesn’t want to.

What are you to do when the love of your life leaves you? Jihoon doesn’t know.

They say time will heal wounds, but Jihoon doesn’t want these wounds to heal. Healing means moving on and Jihoon doesn’t want that. He’s going insane. These past few days have been nothing but hell. It’s as if Jihoon expects Seungcheol to come out of nowhere and tell him that this is all just a joke, and he’s not going to leave, ever. He expects something like this, anything, anything but this.

“Jihoon?” he’s brought out of his thoughts by a gentle hand on his shoulder. Jihoon keeps his stoic expression as he looks up to see Jeonghan looking at him with a knowing look.

“It’s almost time. You should go,” he says as Jihoon nods in a slow manner. He slowly stands up as he looks at his surroundings.

Black is such a solemn color. It’s such a morbid reminder for him, and yet that’s all he sees as he walks down the path. Black shoes, black shirts, black everything.

Jihoon tries to contain his tears as he walks farther down the path. The closer he gets, the more he realizes that no, Seungcheol won’t reveal that this is all just a joke, that he’s still here, and won’t leave him. ‘Forever and always’ as he used to say. But no, this is real life.

The tears are no longer detained as he reaches the casket. And there he is, there he see’s him, there is Seungcheol. There is his sense of comfort, there is his light, there is Seungcheol laid out inside the casket with his eyes closed, looking as if he’s in a blissful sleep.

“Why’d you leave me?” whispers Jihoon as he reaches for Seungcheol’s cold hand.

“Why?” he repeats, but he knows the answer. Death is why.

God takes the most precious things from the world. It’s a cruel way of reminding the world of their destined fate to suffer for eternity. But Jihoon doesn’t understand why. Has he not seen how much we’ve repented through the years? Obviously not because if that were the case, than Seungcheol would be with him and not in that casket.

Jihoon places as rose in Seungcheol’s hand. He doesn’t want to let go, but he has to. He watches as the workers close the casket and descend it to the ground. Jihoon grabs a pile of dirt and he clenches it in his hand and watches as he drops it to where the casket is laid underneath the earth. He can’t watch anymore as he turns around and leaves the cemetery. He knows he’ll continue to suffer this inexplicable pain. He knows that he’ll continue to say Seungcheol’s name in his sleep. He’ll continue doing all of that. Maybe one day Seungcheol will descend from the heavens and take Jihoon with him to live happily again, and when that day comes, Jihoon will sleepwalk no more.

                      Choi Seungcheol

                         1995 – 2016

A reminder of the good that can be taken away from this world.