“Look at yourself Lucius! You’re sick! You’re getting worse and worse every day. You’re pale and look at this” she reaches over and grabs my wrist “do you see how skinny you’ve gotten? Does this look healthy to you?” she waves my arm in front of my face but I don’t see what she means, it looks like any other wrist to me, I don’t see a difference.
Looking up I felt a wave of anger spill over me “I’m so done with you all!” I snapped as I grabbed my bag and walked away from the lunch table. I understand she’s worried, like my mum and everyone else but I’m too far gone.
*
I don’t want this anymore! I hate it! I hate the depression that bubbles inside of me, I hate the scars that have now taken over my thighs, I hate feeling so weak all the time and tired. But I still hate me and I can’t stop, it’s an obsession. No one seems to understand anymore, all they care about is if I’m eating or not, they never ask about how I am, they don’t want me to die because they all will feel like it’s their fault. They don’t really care they just don’t want to be held responsible for my death.
That’s when the idea came to my head, I don’t see myself as a grown man in the future, I don’t see any future for me, I can no longer see myself getting happier, I can’t see myself going anywhere. No one cares about me either, I’ve just become this big hassle that everyone feels like they have to worry about. All the people with grudges against me will rejoice. My heart is destroying itself due to my own head. I don’t want to grow up. but What happens to me when I go? Where would I go? I guess that’s something I can only find out one way. The monsters in my head I shall slay, but we are one. To kill my demons, is to kill myself. To die smiling is my one wish.
I run to the kitchen and grab a carving knife, I press down softly and slide my finger alone the blades edge. It slices straight through. Sorry mum. I walk back into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I don’t bother undressing, I step in, sit down and let the water run over me. I close my eyes and picture a nice place, a cliffs edge overlooking a small country town, the town surrounded in a thick forest. A calming image, hopefully that’s where I’ll go. I don’t bother trying to talk myself out of it, because I know I’ll lose the fight anyway. This is what I want, I think as I press the knife to my wrist and slice downward from the base of my wrist to half why up my forearm the blood started gushing out but I still wasn’t opening my eyes.
At some point someone came in, I felt a pressure on my arm and someone yelling something, rejoicing maybe, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying, this continued for a long time, I started to ignore it till I heard someone crying. Not laughing. Someone actually cares, I’m shocked, why? I was nothing but a problem. Someone cares and they’re crying, and I can’t do anything, I can’t move, I can only think. They’re screaming now, I’m still unable to understand what they’re saying, another pressure comes over me but this time it’s quivering and moving, it encloses my entire torso….. the person… they’re hugging me.
I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.
