anorexic

prolouge

anorexic
prolouge

No one believed me when I said I was anorexic.
"You eat though"
"Your fine"
"Your not even fat"
"Your not throwing up"
"You aren't depressed"
The words always jumbled up in my head
Maybe I was fine
But then later that night it would hit me all over
Yes I may eat that
Yes I might be okay... per say
but who knows
Who actually knows?
Two people. That's it
I eat the bagel sure,
but then I eat salad for a month.
I ate those skittles
but then I'll fast for a month.
I'll binge at your party
but then I'll run 5 miles.
You see everything has a consequence
Sometimes I'll fast.
and I try to keep going.
But it eats me up inside.
What if I leave.
What if I leave everyone I love.
Everyone who thinks I'm skinny.
Or at least says it.
It's not as simple as you think
I'm sorry but anorexia
isn't all or nothing
Anorexia is an eating disorder
that doesn't mean I don't eat.
Anorexia is a distorted body image.
I think I'm fat.
You thought I was skinny.
That I could be a model.
But I'm over here, weighing myself every day.
Trying to fit into that dress.
They said its my body shape.
I guess I'm not that fat.
I do have a thigh gap.
But that could just be the shape.
Maybe a little skinnier.
I didn't skip a meal today.
Maybe I'm getting better.
This guy I liked called me overweight.
I began lying to myself.
Believing the lies I was told.
The only truth was from that guy.
The one I liked so much.
I would run and run away.
Away from the problem
But I couldn't
I was the problem
My body won't change
They say I'm average.
I don't want to be average
I wanna be skinny
But then others tell me I'm skinny.
That I will walk runways in Parris.
How can I do that if I look like this
But in reality
Those models eat paper?
And Those actors throw up.
You didn't know but maybe
One day you'll find out they are starving themselves to look good.
Perfect.
That's the goal.
Well being anorexic isn't perfect.
But not being anorexic isn't either.
You all think it's stupid
Stupid to do that to myself
But guess what
I eat.
But I don't always eat.
I fast, I'll eat 200 calories a day.
Sometimes zero.
Sometimes more.
I don't see myself as others do.
And I don't think I ever will.
But it gets worse,
those two people that you told
I don't know them in real life.
I best friend thinks its stupid
to be anorexic, clueless that I am
Believing that I just never feel good.
Or just not caring.
And that's what being anorexic
is actually like
It's like never being good enough.
Never enough for yourself
Ohers say your perfect.
But you look in the mirror and all you see is fat...