Call For a Sandstorm

Chapter 5

Author's Note:  I know I havnt' updated in a while... it ends up I had a whole chapter I thought I had uploaded that I actually didn't.  New updates coming soon.  As always, let me know if you see any errors.  It's hard editing by myself.

As the hot tears rolled down my cold, pale cheeks, I wondered how I'd gotten this far without a breakdown. Sure, there'd been times when I'd had to back away from him, or leave, or guide him to his bed because he was too fucking drunk to even stand. But besides the night it happened, I'd not lost it. Not once. I'd kept my grades and standards high... kept my attitude and bank account in check. I'd been perfect. Perhaps I'd only been trying to prove something to myself. And in that moment I wasn't so sure that I even cared anymore.

I felt empty... like I'd lost myself completely. I didn't ever want to walk through that door again and have to face the fact that the broken shell of my best friend didn't even have the decency to wash his own laundry. I didn't know where I was going to stay. God knows it wouldn't be across the dorm from that bastard. But I had no other friends... had no other options. Except for Sebastian. But what the hell was I thinking; it was three in the goddamn morning! I wasn't about to go about bothering a guy I'd just met hours ago, asking to stay with him because I just wasn't man enough to face Alois. His number was crumpled in a heap on my desk anyways. But I really didn't want to have to go back. I didn't even have the courage to give Alois' act a name... didn't even have the courage to give Alois a name besides 'my former best friend'. I wasn't willing to call him something he promised he'd never become.

I forced my mind to become still and silent. A panicked mind is a useless one. I really shouldn't have been afraid of Alois. He was drunk enough at that point to fall over at the slightest touch. He was indefinitely passed out right now; sweat shimmering upon his jaw as it lay slack against whatever he'd fallen asleep on. If I could enter silently, I'd be safe behind a locked door. He'd be gone once again at first light... and I could pretend this never happened. Though I knew I wound't be able to pretend for long.

I could feel myself changing. My mind wouldn't be able to keep this up for long, and I was scared. I'd been able to function normally... but what if I couldn't anymore? What if he changed, too? What if he stopped drinking and forced me to face him day after day. What if he didn't? What if I never got to talk to him? I wasn't sure if I even wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be able to pretend he wasn't there anymore. I wanted to forget. But how could I? What would I have to change inside to survive? Who would I have to become? I wanted to curl up and just stop... didn't want to think anymore. I was quickly rushing into another wave of panic, and my throat caved into another heaving sob. This was ugly. I was ugly.

I decided to go home.

I couldn't catch my breath, but I tried; forcing the air to crackle through my lungs in painful gasps as sharp as knives. I closed my eyes, leaning against the back of the tree. Staying out here was worse than going back. That thought is what drove me to finally stand on shaky legs. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. The cool air caressed my cheeks; cooling the tears that were drying there. I felt pathetic and raw... like every inch of skin was a gaping wound ready to be filled with more chaos that I'd have to hide. I was wrapped in the bandages I'd been hiding behind: good grades, freshly cut hair... a neat room. But none of it evaded to anyone what my mind was like. It wasn't good, or fresh... or neat. I'd become so talented at hiding these things that when I was talking to someone they would never be able to tell that I could barely breathe. I could hardly tell, at that point. I began to walk on wobbly legs. I'd not ran far; only about a half a mile. I wanted to rush to get out of the air that now felt harsh and cold... but I needed some time to breathe it.

As I walked, I felt my breathing calm and my lashes dry. I sighed deeply, rubbing my eyes with the backs of my hands. I told myself that there was a reason all of this was happening... that one day I may not mind the touch of a stranger or the thought of going home. Perhaps this was a turning point; a way for the wind and rain to turn my head back to reality. My steps were a drum; a beating rhythm against the pavement. When my eyes opened again I felt the air around me clearer... the colors brighter. My thoughts wavered at the sensation of being touched by that strange breeze, and I shivered.

It didn't take me long to round the cement sidewalk that lead to the dorms. As I did, I kept my breathing stable and forced my feet not to slow. The door to our shared space looked menacing... and quiet. My hand shook as I gripped the cold metal of the door handle. I waited for a moment in silence. I heard nothing... and as I opened the door as silently as I could, I was met with darkness. All the lights were off, and not a thing seemed to have been moved. The lack of signs of living would be something I was sure I'd never get used too. Alois was so detached... so airy. He never seemed to leave but a single fingerprint behind him. His figure wasn't sprawled over the couch as one would expect, so I avoided his room and crept silent into mine. Once safe, I locked the door behind me. I checked to make sure it was secure... and checked it again. It was secure. And I was alone.

I suddenly became aware of just how heavy my eyelids were. I was beyond exhausted. I felt each piece of me melt into the warmth of my enclosed room, and I succumbed to the softness of my bed. I left the lights off and my clothes on as I kicked my feet free from their shoes. I pulled the pillowy duvet over me, eyes already closing. Once settled, the air seemed to hum as I listened to the heater run. I longed for rain again... wanted to hear that constant pounding. My thoughts began to dissipate. But just before I fell asleep, I remember a single feeling nagging at me. I remember feeling sick for a home I didn't quite recall.