Lonely, sad, depressed. Crying yourself to sleep. Tired. Want to run away. Want to get out of this place. All the things in my head are killing me, when no one sees. Getting told that I'm useless and that I'm never going to be any good. I can't trust anyone, I don't even trust myself. It's unfixable and unchangeable. All just like the seasons are here and gone in a day. With me left behind. Unwanted. Ignoring everything around me because every time I say Hi a little piece of my heart breaks inside. It's all a blur in my head. Emotions running wild, I can't tame them. I'm just so tired of the way things are and that I can't do anything about it. Writing on my arm it's all covered in blood. Like all the knives in my back from when I opened myself up. I'm scared of this world. There is only torture and pain coming through my veins. So much blood at loss. My skin is so pale, I'm all numb. My feelings are gone, my heart is ice cold. It's always the same. My head is like an Einstein math equation, I will never be able to solve my own fate, I can only make it worse. My friends were never really friends. I don't understand myself. I don't know how to cope with this. Maybe it's better if I'm a corpse. Hope to never be a ghost. I can't die by myself, I need help. But there's no one that will help me now. It's all too late, this is a game between life and death. But no one thinks it's that serious enough. Might as well try and enjoy the ride but all the memories fill my head. My heart hands me a knife. My family crying out from the other side of the door, "Please don't do this to yourself." You brought me down into my own grave. I hear my mum crying, imagining her tears rolling down her face. I know that she's only crying because she won't be able to torture me anymore. Daddy's gone, I don't know where he is or who he was. My veins are bursting open from the sharp knife deep in my arm. I'm slicing it off but God won't let me die, why God why? Why do I have to suffer all the pain. Why won't you let me get away from this pain and that I can leave my thoughts away. Oh please I'm crying tears of blood. I'm writing all in my blood.
My mind in red.
It's official I just know that I'm not wanted. Everybody saying that I'm a useless, bullying at school, tortured at home. It's the same every day. I just can't take the pain. It's so tiring but you wouldn't understand how hard it is to put on a fake smile everyday. Be careful you don't cry in school or they'll know what's going on. Listen to Drake or someone that can sing about how I feel and put into a song or something that can touch me deep down inside the bottom of my heart. Ouch that's starting to sting now, oh no I stained the sheets with my blood. I'm locked up in this jail that I made for myself. God cursed me. What did I do to deserve this kind of fate. It's a full moon tonight. What a special ceremony God gave to end the pain of mine. All the dogs in the neighbourhood howling, I'm hidden now on the roof. Trying to hide from the curious seekers down below...
Below, is the world.
Shooting questions at me, if only I had a chance to meet someone that had the same pain that I have. It's a cold night, a beautiful night sky full of stars. Soon, very soon I'll be able to touch the sky with my soul making its way up, looking down on the earth I was once tortured in. A sigh of relief coming through my lungs and filling my veins, swirling up in my soul and out my eyes, gleaming, glittering, shining. Just the same as the stars I am now swimming with. It's all gone, I can't feel anything anymore. Turning my face away from the painful sight it gave. I look back up to the sky. I'm in the middle of the stars and the earth. There is no pain where I am now. It's pretty much like a vacation. I'm going to reach my hand up. A breeze goes by, my body is warm and damaged at all the sides. My skin feels so soft but I know it's not real. Why do I feel so empty inside. I see my skin starting to fade into nothing. Did I make a mistake? To try to take the pain away, or is this a phase? I can't help but smile and laugh to myself.
I am nothing...
I am finally away from everything and anything. But now I only have a wish. One wish. That will fulfil my life - not really but it's worth a try to believe this - . The stars above me. They seem kinda tasty don't they? Like sprinkles on a cupcake. The stars are spinning in circles. The stars are about to play with my fate. My most important need of understanding. Chasing it just like it's everything that can help my purpose of being here. But then I wonder is it that important to try and revive the life I just had. My body is a mess just as my heart is a big scribble. So it's barely anything important. I think about the friends that have gone through my life. I wonder if anyone experienced this fight I'm having with the stars.
The stars taking my fate all caught in a net.
I wake up in a hospital, my mum is praying by my side. I pretend I'm dead or whatever the state I'm in. I hear my mum whisper a mumble, "stars give her back her fate." I open my eyes and groan, "They did mum, but I had to chase." She cries out and gives me a hug. Not to tight because most of my blood was coming out of my wounded body. Nobody saw what condition I was really in because I had a smile on my face. I guess I am smart, I bet the stars and that stupid Einstein math equation is all gone. I lay in my bed and close my eyes.
Bye stars...
