lee aiko
is today a good day to die?
i constantly ask myself that particular question, which sets my whole body off.
when i wake up,
when i'm trying to keep my eyes open in math class,
when i'm passing down the baked beans at the dinner table,
and when i'm lying awake at night because my brain wouldn't shut off due to all there is to think about.
Is today the day?
If not today ㅡ when?
Today, i repeated this to myself as i found myself sitting on a narrow ledge six stories above the ground. It's so high up, i felt like i could fly.
I close my eyes, enjoying the way everything spins. Maybe this time i'll do it, let the air carry me away. It'll be like drifting away from all my miseries , and from life.
I spread my arms out as if they were my wings ㅡ which gladly or sadly weren't.
I blanked out, not remembering how i ended up here again. It happens alot. You'd think i'm already used to this, but not at all.
Sleep was my only getaway. I dreaded opening my eyes. It's only when I'm awake that I feel like dying.
I can't tell you what's different this time round. only that when i woke up, i felt deader than usual. Sure, i was awake, but completely empty, like as if someone had been feasting on my blood, sucking every single sign of soul and hope.
It's my first week back since November 14.
It wasn't a bad decision to hold me back from school even before the holidays started.
I opened my eyes, looking at my sides. / oPEN YOUR EYES JOYONGHI OPEN YOUR EYES /
Is it a good day to die?
I asked myself again as i was still sitting on the narrow ledge, six stories above the ground.
The bell rung but there wasn't any intention in me to move a single inch.
✧
inspired by : All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven.
