Letters To Me

Letter one

Lets start with introducing myself. I am 18 high school graduate and soon going to a university to study medicine. I'm actually the modern type girl with old taste in music so if i use slang's in between or have typos then i'm sorry for that as i'm lazy to read al of this again to edit my mistakes (thats the way i role). why i chose to write this ? i don't know. maybe i just wanted the world to laugh at my life and get them to know how teenage girls act. so i am like any other normal girl average looking, with alot of friends,partying every weekend,branded closet,boys all around stuff. okay,maybe thats not normal for many people but it was for me and all these things were quite boring for me to be honest. its not like my grades sucked though because if that was the case i wouldn't be pushed into medicine. not that i want to do it but well thats how the things are working right now. so people who meet me at first find me quite funny and cool but thats the level for strangers when people start to know me more and more they come to know how weird i am. 80% of the people who know me closing think that i'm a pessimist which i agree with and the rest 20% tthink i'm depressed..which i'm unsure of. so now that you know the summary of me lets get to the main point. The Urge To Die. do you ever feel it ? do you ever just wanna end yourself for no reason ? like you just look at your wrist and think about how it'll feel to bleed forever and actually feel something ? well told you i talk weird...mostly. i've tried it though but i still didn't feel anything maybe nothingness is alot inside. i get that good for nothing thoughts alot in my head. like i'm made for nothing. i've read that every person is special in his/her own way and has a special talent for something. i just think i have none. i've tried everything but i just can't be best at anything. you know jack at all king at nothing . but i survive with that sometimes i've kind of excepted that fact. i don't talk to people much about my feelings or how sad or depressed i am. i don't want to get to a psycologist again for my check up and brainwash. also i don't want to trouble my friends by telling them about this theory i have in my head they'll just be like 'brush it off' or just lecture me about life . you know its sort of weird people come to me and share their problems with me and i try to help them out. why is it so hard to help ourself though ? maybe we always know what the solution is but we just don't wanna accept it. but you should see my face when i dance ! or when i'm with humans around ! i look so happy like i'm not feeing any of this. sometimes i think its the same with everyone. all the people don't actually feel the emotions they just know that they are supposed to feel something so they just 'pretend' that emotion. do you too ? i don't even know if this feeling is nothingness or sadness or just puberty. atleast its not like those typical girls crying over a guy they love to death. well i do know some friends i can die for and a guy whom i can kill for. but thats off the topic i'll tell about that later. we'll just stick to 'death' rite now. i've read alot of theories about afterlife and stuff but i believe there is no afterlife there's just 'nothingness' again. i wanna die because i already feel that feeling and atleast death would just make me relate to a place. sometimes i think music is actually not the cure but the reason for sadness. i think music just enhances sadness. i don't think i'll feel anything when i hear a person sing 'come on let it be..just let it go' but still it is so soothing and nice. why is music bad and still feels so great ? just like drugs and love ? why are all the bad things so good ? ..