Greyscale Angel

My heart, your pen

It was Wednesday evening and I was having a pretty hard time writing this week's column. I know I had written to the readers that I would feature a few murder/anti murder moments of theirs in this edition but to be honest, I hadn't even checked my email. There were probably very few responses anyways... I was just so distracted lately. The night of the play and my conversation with Amaan had really butchered my sanity. I was not this girl, I wasn't this love sick, vulnerable person who allowed her mind to be invaded by a stranger. So why then was I so consumed by what this person thought of me? Why was I so curious about his life? About him? About what he was doing right this second? ... Oh come on Malaa'ika stop! You don't even know how he feels. Hell, you don't even know what you're feeling. And worse yet, it had been about 3 weeks and the parents (aunts and uncles) would require us to take a decision soon... Enough Amaan talk now! Amaan. .. oh my word snap out of it!! You need to work! Work!

I quickly logged into my alias Gmail account and scanned my inbox. 479 emails! I was certainly taken aback. I had never expected such an overwhelming response. Excited and grateful, I quickly started scanning through the most recent emails. Many of them were just brief letters of admiration or "fan mail" and didn't really satisfy the criteria of what I needed. Nevertheless, they were heartwarming and I took my time expressing some gratitude to these people. There were so many letters! This was going to take a while... I increased my reading speed to around twice as fast and made my way through the emails, bookmarking those that really caught my eye and I was sure would make an impact. Around an hour later, I was about half way through and about to stop. Just then, I noticed a familiar email address "am21@mrgoogle.com". I remember this person from responses to my first issue. It was the same person who had advised me to give out my random roses. I opened the email, excited to see the contents. It read:

"Dear Greyscale Angel,

Your words continue to amaze me. But more than that, they challenge me. You see, I've had a pretty awesome life. Great friends, a wonderful job and the best family a man could ever ask for. But you see, that's kind of just it. My whole life I've been the ideal student, the ideal brother, the ideal son. I've fulfilled all my roles with total conviction and complete happiness. Sometimes though, it bothers me that every one of these roles have been handed to me, like a responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love every one of them. It's just that none of them have been something that I've earned, by myself, just me. It's never just been about me. It's never been a selfish decision of something I want more than anything else in the world. I've never been the impulsive kid who just decides to take a day off be free. I've never been the 'stay out late, take a trip on my own, talk to a stranger' type. I've never fallen in love or rode a roller coaster or danced in the rain just for the hell of it. You make me wish I had the courage to be a little less safe. You seem so free and brave. It gives me the desire to be so as well. Anyways, my anti murder moment. So I was offered my dream job. My responsible family orientated soul screamed no, it's on the other side of the world. It isn't fair. But then, before that side could catch up to my reflexes, I clicked "accept" on the online offer. The move was crazy, but I saw it through. Selfishly... and you know what? I'm not sorry.

PS: I have never said these things to anyone , not even to myself. Until now... "

This person was so intriguing. It was funny and sad... So different from me but somehow the same. I felt an obligation to my readers. I felt like they trusted me and that trust was a possession that I was to retain, through trust and honesty and to some extent, friendship. I readily replied,

"Mr... umm Google

Wow I must say that you write so beautifully! Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad that my column gives you the strength to be brave. To be honest though, I think you are a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. I mean, someone selfless enough to take on immense responsibility that is probably not even his to bear? That takes a lot. I don't think I could do it... Everyone does his or her own work, it's yours to do and yours to bear, but taking on the task of another, well isn't that just humanity in its untainted form? By the way, you shouldn't feel bad for being a little selfish. It's a good thing. What's even better though is the fact that you question it. It shows how much you care, and that my friend is the rarest thing of all. Alhamdulillah (all thanks to the Lord)

Greyscale Angel... "

I put down my laptop and went off to bed. This responding was more tedious than I thought it would be. It's tough! I need a breather. It wasn't long before I dozed off. I slept a dreamless sleep and was violently awoken by my 5am alarm. I jumped up and read my morning prayer. It was truly my favourite time of day, somewhere in the middle of chaos and peace. Moments between darkness and light, life and death, dreams and reality. I was so wide awake and decided to continue reading some fan mail. My mail box dinged with 5 brand new emails, one being from the person I had responded to just the night before. His response was received just two minutes ago... Awake at this hour? ... strange.

"Dear Greyscale Angel

I had no idea you were a Muslim and am delighted to know so, as am I! Thank you for your wonderful response and for allowing me to feel understood. I get the feeling we are quite a like. It's great to have a friend who is of the same mind frame. Muslim girls, hopefully you are a girl, have a wonderful understanding of today's world. You are so much more the reason that our religion finds some respect in the modern world. You are brave and talented and dynamic. I've forever searched for such people to fill my life with. Every day would be an adventure. Jazakallah. "

I was startled to know that he was a Muslim. Startled, yet delighted. I've had very little contact with Muslim people out here and I truly missed the simple things such as hearing "Jazakallah" from another person. It was wonderful. At the same time though, I was in no way going to make friendships on this platform. Especially not with a member of the opposite sex. I responded curtly with "Yes haha i am a girl and once agin thank you for your kind words. I hope the person I have chosen as a life partner sees me in that way as well. My responsibility is to provoke thought and discussion via my writing and not friendship. I wish you well in life. Salaam ".

Okay so it was TMI I know. And his intentions were probably sincere. But nevertheless, it was my duty to be direct and tell it like it is. That's exactly what I've done...