Sober (A BeaRdy One Shot)

Confessions

"Teka nga lang, why are you doing this Thirdy?"

Huminto silang dalawa sa gitna ng dilim, mahina na ang tugtog ng bonfire. There are some people nearby but they are all going to the event. It's near midnight.

"You're still not answering my question earlier, what are you doing Bea?" balik nito. She felt blood rushed throughout her body. Alcohol didn't help her think straight.

"Ha? How dare you ask me that! Sino ka ba ha?" dinuro-duro nya ito. "Months of not caring and here you are, asking me what am I doing with my life?! Are you serious?"

"Bea you know why I did—

"Yeah, yeah! I fucking know, Thirdy! I fucking know why you are avoiding me. Because I was not ready! Because I let you go! Because I was so coward back then! Yeah! But do you know how much it hurts huh? Do you know how much I regret the decisions I've made that day? It's almost a year but they're still burning me, Thirdy! They are still killing me every night!" she felt her tears running down her face, Thirdy trying to hug her.

"No! Don't come near me! Ayoko na! Ayoko na!" she punched his chest again and again, her tears all over his shirt. "Why are you so fucking gentle? Why are you so fucking kind? Why do I have to have this heart not capable of letting you in? Why am I so damaged beyond control? Why..why do we have to fall at the wrong time?"

"Shhh..Bea, don't be to hard on yourself."

"No! I deserve this. I hate myself. You know that right? I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for not listening enough. Do you know how terrible that is? When part of you knows what to do but another is not cooperating? Maybe that's why people have this high hopes on me but I always fail them every single time. I am a fraud, Thirdy. I am a scam. I am not what they thought I am."

She brought her to the sidewalk. She hugged her knees and continued to cry her heart out. Thirdy is just beside her.

"Do you know how it pains me hearing those words again from you, Bea? It's been a year, but you still see yourself that way. Even worse. It hurts because if you see yourself that way, then I guess I have no terrible words left to describe myself." sabi nito. She looked up at him. He's just staring at the pavement.

"If you are a fraud, a scam, what's left for me? Bea, ang dami daming naniniwala sayo kasi magaling ka talaga. Everyone can see that, ikaw lang ang hindi. Pero ako? People believe me because I'm a Ravena." he continued.

"Alam mo ba kung gaanong nakakasakal 'yon? People already have this expectations even before actually meeting me. And the worst part is to see the disappointment in their eyes always. Because yeah, I might be good, but I'm not one of the best. Something I'm not allowed to be because I carry a name known to be the best."

Pinanood nya ito habang tinataas ang shirt na suot. Then she saw a lot of marks on his body.

"Thirdy.."

"Yeah, I know. It went to that point. Yes Bea, I hated this life so much that I physically hurt myself. I slash my skin, I burn it with cigarettes, anything to hurt me more than this emotional pain I've been having. I want to feel something else. Nakakapagod na yon lang ang nararamdaman ko ng paulit-ulit."

She started to cry again. But this time, not for herself, but for the man beside her. She just cried, the moon and the stars and Thirdy as the witnesses. Lumipas ang mahabang sandali na hikbi lang nya ang pwedeng marinig.

"Let's go." bulong ni Thirdy sa kanya. Tumayo sya. Naglakad sila papuntang convenience store. Bumili ng kape. Tahimik nya itong ininom pabalik sa event.

"Are you okay? Umiyak ka ba?" tanong ni Jho sa kanya pag-upo n'ya, concern all over her face. Even the people around her is looking at her.

"Kasama mo raw si Thirdy? Nasan na sya?" tanong ni Marci.

"I'm okay. Bumili lang kami ng kape. And uhm..I think she's with Ate Ly na."