What was so great about him? I've had so many hims, but what was so great about them? They loved me. Simple as that. They told me they loved me and everything in me opened up. They hugged me and kissed me and pretended to listen to my problems. They couldn't have understood what they did for me, what they brought out of me. I would change any and everything they didn't approve of to maintain that love they were offering even if it was all they had. I'd blame myself if they were mad at me, tell myself it's because I was doing something wrong, that I reacted in the wrong way to their wrong doing. Does that even make sense?
They'd tell me I was beautiful, but that's all they can say. Any girl can be beautiful, every girl is beautiful, girls are beautiful and something inside of me desperately wants something more. I just don't know what that something more is. I'm gonna try to explain it to myself.
I've never had a man comment on my world views, my writing skills, my genuine compassion for other people's problems over my own. I've never heard a man tell me he loves the little things I do. The problem is I can see them, I see the beautiful little things I do. Like kissing their foreheads to tell them it's okay and that I love them, pretending to be happy so that my sadness doesn't overwhelm them, playing in their hair and rubbing their shoulders, asking about their day and wanting to know every detail, wanting to take them on dates and hear about their childhood, parents, siblings, pain and joy.
What I find amazing is when I think about them, I think about me and all those little things I do and somehow it makes me love them more. They'd leave me where they met me and I'd chase them down the street, so I could love them some more. I don't know what's wrong with me. How the idea of all the things I do could fuel such toxic experiences. They tell me I'm clingy for wanting their affection, insecure for needing their reassurance, crazy for my jealousy when they call other girls beautiful. I think it's because that's the one thing they give me and if it's such a common characteristic you can see in every girl, then it's clearly not enough. I know that's not all I am, but I've never been told so.
Maybe I rely too heavily on what others think of me and that's probably because I measure my worth by the amount of money I have or my employment situation or whatever. I need to work on that, I need to work on seeing me instead of waiting on others to see me. I need to give myself some credit.
My dad told me to preserve myself, not to have a bunch of men under my belt. I think he meant that in terms of sex, but I'm going to remix it for my own pleasure. I want to preserve myself because the more I give away these little, beautiful parts of me, the less there will be for the right person. I don't want to meet the man of my dreams and run him off because I spent too much time on the wrong ones. I want to be pickier and not give so much of myself at the sound of those three words, it's too easy. I want someone who will show me every bit and piece of them with no reservation, and accept the same of me in return, that person will deserve it. That person will deserve me.
