The Diary or Arryn Larent

Prologue: May 10, 2016

Somehow I've managed to work for something I never wanted. I feel like I'm in a dead end relationship... if it can even be called a relationship. I keep thinking of what would have happened if I had been an adult about things. I don't want to admit something because I'm afraid once it's somewhere, it'll be everywhere. That sounds ridiculous, and this is one of those rare occasions where words completely fail me. Somewhere along the way, I think I always felt an attraction... of course I believed it (still believe it) to be one-sided. But it was all new to me, and she was my friend... my friend with a boyfriend. It was easy to overlook her, I'll admit that. It's not like I saw her and was enraptured... that sounds childish. I just got a strange feeling and felt the need to avoid it as it made me uncomfortable. So I avoided it and kept our interactions to a minimum. I can't say I did it with purpose or even a definite mindset; it kind of just became a habit of survival. Like when you first touch something hot as a kid, and then you know to avoid those situations out of habit and necessity.

So in a sense she was the fire I was too afraid to touch, and her being my friend made things even more difficult. I lost a lot of my friends once I detached from the fellowship; they were actually told to avoid me. That's why I spent so much time with ATLA, a business group, and why I treasured her friendship far more than I desired to know what my discomfort around her truly meant.

I went on with my life, subconsciously ignoring her, and found other outlets to explore this uncomfortable feeling. It was a bumpy ride, but it was one that I couldn't avoid. I needed to know... too bad youth always tends to pick the messiest and stupidest road. And then I found myself becoming self-destructive... these girls were not what I wanted, but all that I thought I had. I let all the bad ones in and let the good ones go. It sucks that you only realize that with hindsight... what I would give to have excellent foresight. Anyways, I ended up in a relationship that left me bruised and dependent... and then she came back into my life.

She hadn't even confessed and I somehow already knew... maybe because I had thought about it so much back then. I wish I could tell her now how often I used her as an example to figure out if I liked girls or not, but as fate would have it, I wasn't even free to do that much. You see, I had chains that I willingly wore and would not throw off... out of fear, respect and something I don't have a name for yet. Being bound to another, I felt that I should not indulge in her companionship... but I did.

When I kissed her, I couldn't help but remember when I used to dream about such things. Of course I never filled her in, and I probably never will. She noted, after all the mess that we made (mostly that I made), that I shouldn't have been so ecstatic... so willing to throw my relationship out the window for someone like her (someone that I had merely shared a kiss with). I felt like rallying to my defense... like saying "you have no idea what you were to me," but even that sounds childish to me. What was she to me after all? My first crush... or some other cliche title; what term could I use to define her?

Around her I always had a warm feeling inside. I fondly remember the interview to be her lead; I was so nervous that I was actually in the building a whole hour before it was supposed to start. I had already started to question my sexuality, but I hadn't admitted to myself that I was drawn to anybody. Still it's easy to say that I was trying to be around her more; just to see what she was like. What I found was interesting, and even to this day I wonder if my observations were correct. As one of the Directors, she seemed a bit nervous to be honest. There were people like Derek who presented and did public speaking as if it was something as natural as breathing air, and then there were people like her who, while presenting well, you could tell were a bit shaky in front of a large crowd. I found her admirable because I was neither of those two types; give me a large enough crowd and I would choke completely.

Thinking back on it, I used to notice her more often than I should have. When we finally connected at someone's party, with a little help from some liquor, I was pulled further in. My then girlfriend suddenly disappeared into the background and all I could think about was the connection I had formed with the girl who I had been intrigued by. I should have known then that my feelings for her were beyond platonic, but I continued to ignore it. I suppose back then I was more decent of a human being than I am now because I never acted on my feelings for fear of stepping on another's toes, or at least that's one theory. My second theory is probably more accurate. After years of silent yearning, I finally gave in... at the worst time.

I have a story to tell, and I don't know how long or short it will be, or even where it will start or end. But it's a story that needs to be told nonetheless; maybe then it won't feel like these feelings were for nothing.

With little hope,
Arryn Larent