Portrait of a Clown

"Once I was 7 years old my Mama told me, 'Go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely'..."

Gamzee clung to his lusus, burying his face in his neck. "Gamzee..." His lusus bleated. "You need to get out more, meet some other trolls..." He trailed off, growing quiet. "I won't always be here for you." Gamzee just nodded, not really paying attention. His lusus was so soft, he could fall asleep right here... "Gamzee!" He was snapped out of his thoughts by his lusus saying his name again. He looked up. "Yes, Daddy?" His lusus sighed. "Promise me? Promise me you'll make some other friends?" Gamzee nodded. "I will, Daddy..."

"Once I was 11 years old, my daddy told me, 'Go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely'..."

"BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE, I ONLY HAVE YOU!" Gamzee screamed, clinging tightly to his lusus, alike to the way he had all those years ago. "Gamzee... That's not true, you know that..." His lusus paused, his breath labored. "You have that moirail of yours, and y-" He couched violently. "You have that flushcrush you've always told me about..." His lusus shuddered, breathing getting increasingly difficult. "Promise me, Gamzee, that you'll get yourself a matesprit..." He paused again, growing silent. Gamzee was about to shout at him again to keep talking when he took a deep breath to speak. "Don't stay locked up your hive all the time... You need companions to keep you going...." Gamzee sobbed, burying his face in his lusus' bloodied fur. "Promise, Gamzee..." Gamzee felt tears stream down his face. "I promise, Daddy..." His lusus smiled, and just like that, he was gone.

"Once I was 20 years old, my story got told, before the morning sun when life was lonely..."

Gamzee smiled widely, wearing his special uniform that he had just been given. He had been given the job of Subjuggulator, just like his ancestor had been. He admired himself in the mirror, practically glowing with pride. Making sure he had his clubs with him, he headed out of his hive to walk around the streets of the town that he resided in. He whistled quietly to himself, swinging his clubs absentmindedly. Passing by a few empty alleys, he heard shouting. He looked down the alley that the yelling was coming from and saw a group of highbloods surrounding another troll. They were taking turns throwing punches and kicking the other troll, who was crumpled into a ball on the floor of the alley. Gamzee approached the crowd, slowly. Some of the highbloods stopped and one yelled out. "Hey Zee! I see ya got your clubs with ya, wanna join us?" Gamzee frowned at the nickname that he had been called by. He had told everyone countless times not to call him that, to no avail. Putting that aside, he walked up to the crowd, pushing aside some trolls to see who they were beating up. Gamzee stopped, his eyes widened. On the floor was Karkat, bloodied and bruised. Gamzee was still, shaking from the sight in front of him. "C'mon, Zee. Help up beat this mutant to his rightful place, the grave." The highblood chuckled at his own statement, patting Gamzee on the back. Karkat looked up slowly and reached his hand out shakily to Gamzee for help. Gamzee felt tears streaming down his face. Someone else kicked Karkat. Gamzee turned away.

"Soon we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold. We've travelled around the world and we're still roaming..."

Gamzee gritted his teeth, looking down at the troll beneath him. The troll whimpered, cowering on the floor beneath him. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to see the highblood that had instructed him to terminate the lowblood on the floor. "C'mon, Zee. You can do it." He grunted looking back down at the cowering troll. His grip around his clubs tightened. The highblood spoke, smirking. "You have to, Zee. It's your job." Gamzee nodded, understanding that this is what he signed up for. Over the years, he had been instructed to kill many trolls. However, he found each time that it never got easier. Sometimes the highbloods would take away his sopor when he wasn't paying attention. When he was in the middle of his rage, they would then instruct him to kill his victim. But they didn't do that often, since last time they had, he had ended up killing one of the highbloods that worked with him. He shook his head, focusing back on the present. The lowblood squirmed, and the highblood kicked him in response. He pat Gamzee on the shoulder. "Now, Gamzee." He said, a bit more sternly than before. Gamzee gripped his clubs, preparing himself mentally. He closed his eyes and swung.

"Soon I'll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61, 'Remember life and then your life becomes a better one'..."

"Promise me, Gamzee, that you'll get yourself a matesprit..."
Gamzee's lusus' words echoed in his mind as he sat beside the bed. He looked down at the troll that occupied the bed. His grip on the troll's hand tightened when he smiled up at Gamzee. "Gamzee... Enjoy your life, okay?" The rust blood smiled gently at him. Gamzee choked up and nodded, looking down at the troll that he loved so dearly. "I will, Tav. I will..." The smile on Tavros's face widened at Gamzee's statement. "I love you... Gamzee... Don't forget that." Gamzee nodded, tears dripping onto his hands, which were entwined in the wrinkled ones that belonged to his matesprit. "I love you too, Tav..." He sobbed quietly, cursing his life span for being so much longer than Tavros'. Tavros smiled, and he relaxed. "Goodbye, Gamzee..." His eyes slowly closed, and his hand went limp. Gamzee's breath hitched, and he started shaking Tavros's lifeless body gently. "Tav? Tav?! Wake up, Tavros!" He sobbed loudly, hugging the body tightly. "I... I didn't say goodbye, Tav... Wake up..." Gamzee closed his eyes, holding the body close to him. "Please...."

"Soon I'll be 60 years old, will I think the world is cold..."

The rain poured, matching Gamzee's current mood perfectly. He gently lay down the two bouquets of flowers. He spoke softly, laying them down. "One for Tav... One for Kar..." Gamzee had payed to get the two's graves next to each other, so he could visit them both. It wasn't that hard, since Karkat had died sweeps earlier. His grave was already here. All Gamzee had to do was to get Tavros buried next to him. Gamzee suddenly had a flashback to when Karkat had died. The scene played back in his head, and he yelled loudly at nothing in particular, cursing himself for not stopping them. Why didn't he stop them?! Karkat could have at least lived a longer life, longer than he had lived. At least Tavros lived a long life. But Karkat... It was all his fault! He could've stopped them, he could've! He was right there, in the crowd surrounding Karkat. But no... He did nothing. He turned away instead of doing something. Gamzee sat down, hugging his knees and sobbing into them. It was all his fault... All his fault that Karkat had died. He cried, sitting in between the graves of the two trolls that he loved. The rain poured, getting him soaked, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. He just sat there, soaked with both rain and his own tears. His face buried in his knees, he started singing softly. Singing a lullaby that his lusus had sung to him when he was young. "Once I was 7 years old..."