She was the first one into the neighborhood, born and raised. She was a mysterious girl. When She was young She would be in the yard with her parents on their play set. They had built it themselves. The other neighbors would come and join her. She was thrown off that play Set by her older sister once. She fed her brother gum for the first time and got grounded. Songs were made, limbs were damaged, it was the setting of her first bee sting. That play set had been through more than imaginable.
When She got a little older say 10 or 11, She was a little more active. Playing tag late in the night, ding dong ditching, She even got locked out once for staying out past curfew, but it didn't bother her. She slept on the neighbors trampoline that night. Then the play set was torn down because it was too old, and no longer stable. The old planks were burned and the old swing still remains in a cardboard box sitting in the garage.
At 13 and 14 She was a little more risky, setting off fireworks in the street, throwing down shaken coke cans, She got chased with a shotgun one time after ding dong ditching an angry neighbor. The neighborhood was alive with teenage rebellion. They spend every summer day and night together.
When She was 15 though everything changed. One day something happened. She wasn't the same as She was before. The neighborhood broke up. Nobody came outside anymore, She was inside most of the day but something just wasn't right. There was something off about her. Nobody noticed. She wasn't alive and happy like She use to be. She suffered silently and nobody noticed. She pretended She was okay but She knew She wasn't. It didn't change when She turned 16. She had been faking her happiness for a long time. Her mind was off, that's the only way She could explain it. Her mind was clouded, everything felt like a dream. People asked her how She was and She gave them the same, "I'm good, how are you?" She was too scared to tell them. She didn't know why she was scared, She didn't know why She couldn't tell anyone. She lacked her emotion. She didn't love anyone, She didn't feel happy, She felt no passion, no rebellion, She didn't care, about anything or anyone. She felt lost, She felt scared, angry, and sad. She could fake emotions and She could express them because She had before and She remembered how to do it. But none of it was real. She thought it was short term, She thought it would go away, it faded and She thought She would be okay but it didn't stay away. Age 17 and She was better, but She still suffered. It was still quiet and still nobody knew.
She killed herself that summer. And when She died nobody understood why. She was so happy they thought. She had a good life. Nobody knew what had caused it, Because She never told anyone what was wrong. They were wrong. She cried in the shower, She cried through the night wondering what had happened to her, wondering why nobody noticed. She prayed asking God, why her. Why did he take her happiness away. She prayed every night asking God to take it away. She wanted to tell somebody but She didn't know who to tell. She prayed every night and asked who She should tell. She asked for a sign that one day She would be okay. She prayed to nothing. She prayed to an empty abyss. Because though She prayed every night She got no answer. She got no sign. Not one She could see anyway. Maybe She didn't look hard enough. Maybe She missed the signs. But nobody would ever know. Nobody was ever told. And when She left, something left with her. The happiness. The mystery, the teenage rebellion, the wild nights, the friends, the family, and the happiness.
But what if she didn't kill herself? She would have felt passion again. She would have felt better, She would be okay eventually. She would finally tell somebody and She would go to church and find God again, She would find help and She would be okay. She would graduate high school and go to college. She would go become a producer like she always dreamed. She would make wonderful movies and tell the best stories. She would get along with her family again. She would fall in love and She would have kids. And they would be the most beautiful kids. She would love them with all her heart and She would know what it was to feel happy again. She would live near her family so they could get together all the time, they would love each other unconditionally. They would get together every holiday and celebrate. She would attend every graduation party. And She would pray every night not asking for help but She would pray every night thanking God. She would thank him for taking it all away. For giving her a family, a house, a job. She would thank God everyday for giving her her life back. Her kids would grow up and have families of their own. She would become a grandparent and She would have grandkids to love with all her heart. She would have money to spoil them rotten. She would finally be okay. And she would grow old with her true love. And She would lye on her death bed with her family around her telling her wonderful stories, She would tell them that when She is gone the happiness will remain. The mystery, the teenage rebellion, the wild nights, the friends, the family, and the happiness. And She will think of that night when She was sitting in her room crying, when She decided not to kill herself. She will think about how happy She is that She didn't do it.
And before She takes her final breath She would share this story. She would read them this that She had written that night. That night when she was sitting in her room crying. Because this is what saved her life. She was going to kill herself. She was going to close her laptop and end her life. But she kept writing. And the passion flowed from her heart and through her fingers. She wrote about all her potential. She wrote about her future, her dreams, her family. She realized if She killed herself She would miss it all. And so she finished her last sentence. She closed the laptop. And she went to bed.
She is still 17. She wakes up every morning. She fights every day. She prays every night. She fights for her future because She refuses to miss it. Though She still feels pain, She fights. She knows one day She will be okay. She fights for the day She will be okay. And it is hard. Damn it is hard. But She does it. Because She wrote this. She was going to kill herself. She was going to close her laptop and end her life. But she kept writing. And she kept living. And she knew it had to be for a reason.
