Every morning I wake up and immediately turn to reach for you but my heartbreaks when I realize you're no longer around. It's been almost a year but I am still hopeful that I will wake up one morning to find that this has all just been a nightmare. It never is though, no matter how much I scream and hit myself to wake myself up. The physical pain however is nothing compared to the mental anguish that is met every moment of being awake.
About a year ago I got a call and my whole world fell apart. "Eddward..." I remember hearing the woman's voice say with a painful cry. It was your mother. "Yes?" I ask hopeful that it's nothing serious but my heart knew better and it shattered before the words were even spoken. When they were spoken however...my world ended. "Kevin...Kevin was in an accident. H-he didn't make it..." The woman's voice is shaky and she breaks down and so did I. My boyfriend, my whole world, just taken from me. There was lots of cursing from me but even more crying. I don't think it stopped for weeks honestly I don't think it ever stopped since I find myself crying almost every moment I'm here without you.
The first morning without you was the absolute worst. I woke up and made breakfast for you and myself but then it hit me, you'll never be here again we will never share breakfast again, or any meal. I remember dropping the plate and falling to the floor in the fetal position and crying and screaming for hours. I actually prayed pumpkin. I prayed for some miracle for you to show up at the door. You didn't though and you still haven't.
The funeral was small but I barely held it together but My God did you look beautiful laying there. I swore you were going to wake up any moment but you didn't. I later found out it was a driver who was drunk and ran a light, you were on your way to surprise me for my birthday. Do you know how guilty that makes me feel? Happy fucking birthday.
Every day is a constant battle because I can't get your face out of my mind. I am going insane. I tried to stay in school, I tried to keep swimming, I tried to move on, but your fucking face appears every where I go. I would look in my text book and I'd see your name, I would be at practice and I swear I would see your face in the water, I tried to do anything but I would always expect you to show up. Why are you doing this to me? Why am I still here? Especially without you. The first day back at school everyone asked me if I was okay and when I said no they acted like they felt the same. They don't and they never will feel this pain I have.
Everyone is distancing themselves from me, not that I really had anyone in my life anyway but they say I've been a downer. They say I need to get out more, every time I do though I just think of what it would be like with you.... I once went to the new cafe that opened and I thought of how you would order the mocha cappuccino and likely get it all over your face and I would wipe it off and laugh. I then broke down before I even made it to the front of the line. I miss you and that smile and they way you made me smile.
Today would have been our anniversary. Instead of celebrating together I'm here alone at your gravesite. I can't take this pain anymore, I can't take this life anymore. I need to be with you, I need to see you for real....pumpkin I will see you tonight.
