Some days at home,
My mind concludes, unravel parts of the brain I try to conceal.
These parts are thoughts as dark as the abyss, these thoughts arise emotion that is unable to decipher.
These moments of mine are not everyday events, although they occur unusually, mostly when I'm alone, which are quite current.
Moments like these are reminders of my humanity. Pain and sorrow demands to be felt and so I let my pride and strength go.
Let tears and darkness evade my body.
Many fear these but I gather my nights of sadness are to unburden the weight of the world.
No one knew of this. They'd think of it as something unhealthy, it isn't.
I can't explain how much relief it gives me, like a drug I need to use once in a while.
It was addicting, and I succumb to it, when I needed to feel low about myself to continue the rest of my days living cheerfully.
It was one of the times I spend my days at home.
Home.
an establishment providing residence and
care for people with special needs
There were no people here but me;
And the voices in my head I had for company.
My thoughts angered me.
I found myself breaking the mirror with my fist, staring at the shards that lay on the floor.
My hand felt numb, for certain, bleeding.
I threw the table over and the objects along with it, kicking and screaming.
I struggled to find the floor. My hand reached down to feel the coolness of the surface.
It eventually did,
I lost my balance and collapsed.
My head surrounded itself with confusion.
I needed to break, to hurt, to numb.
It was okay.
I was alone,
No one had to tell me what I could do, what I couldn't.
Just me, in that house.
I searched to hold onto something, which only led me to holding myself.
I've wrapped myself into my own warmth.
Shaking, feeling the tremble of my bones, I locked my knees close to my stomach.My hair damped with sweat, sprayed across my face.
I was a mess, so was my place. I closed my eyes, told myself to breathe, relax.
I had no good reason to feel like this, to do such things.
My eyes toyed with me.
I watched the room dance in red.
It danced with dark shades.
I hummed, singing myself a song. A lullaby I made for myself.
It was for times like these;
Times where I felt helpless.
It helped me.
I started rocking back and forth. I didn't hear a door creak. But I saw someone, he held me in his arms.
He was muttering things,
things I didn't listen to during my time of crisis.
I didn't know how he got there or why he was there.
But he held me, not asking what of the reason for my tantrums.
He was muttering my name. Trying to soothe the pain.
A wreckage that was I.
I made sure no one knew about this side of me.
Knowing they'd want me to seek for help.
I didn't want to though, wouldn't plan to.
Insanity was part of me.
A part I frequently lock and allow to posses myself, once in a while at the least.
I like my monsters, my darkness.
At times, they were all I had.
At times, they were what's left when there was nothing.
By the time I've calmed down, I felt his arms under my neck and behind my knees.
He carried me to the sofa, off the cold floor I've decorated with broken furnishings.
"What are you doing here? " I heard a familiar voice say, I realized it was mine.
"My feet dragged me here" was all he replied.
"A case of bad timing" I muttered.
"Is that what you think? Regardless, I'm glad to have come here"
He cleaned my face with his hand, moving away the stray hair, the tear stains.
After a few moments of silence he spoke again;
"You wouldn't want to talk about this, would you? "
I quivered my head with a sly no.
"If that's what you want"
He continued, "for now".
"I'll stay with you here, my love, get some rest."
I shook my head again and pleaded a "no", my tone slightly raised.
He hushed me, "My love, calm down"
"I don't want to sleep" I told him.
Slumber wasn't a calming thought at that time, I had nightmares.
"Why not?" He asked me, his voice was soothing.
I dared not to tell him of my nightmares. I held onto him tightly and instead formed the words;
"Don't leave me"
And in his reply.
"Never, my love"
