Trying To Be Good At Something - (Hopefully) Aesthetic Looking Stuff

let me entertain you with my pathetic life

I'm sorry its been a while since I've posted something on here. I've been super busy with life and school, which I am seriously happy about because I ended this semester with two A's. Which like I said I am super happy and proud of myself for because I literally got about 4 hours of sleep last week. So I should be happy right?

no.

It's as if my brain or life cannot let me be happy for once. It's all home life stress because I just finished school and I don't have a job yet so there's nothing else that I can blame it on, which sucks because either of those could be really helpful in distracting myself from all the shitty things at home.

Since my last vent on here so much has happened. My younger cousin got preggo, which I'm glad for her but I cant help form feeling annoyed at the same time. My family says its because I am jealous that she started a life of her own already or that I just don't understand what its like to be in love and in the heat of the moment. (they don't know about any of my past relationships.)To which I can only respond with how can I be jealous of her practically ruining her life? She is seventeen, barely finishing high school and the baby's daddy is not what we can consider the best of the bunch. That child is screwed because it has two parents that are neither responsible nor ready for such a serious thing, they act as if it were a game. As for the relationship part I always fall harder than I should for the partner I may have at the moment, so yes I know what it means to be "in the heat of the moment" I just think about the consequences as well.

So there's that and the fact that I am still not talking to my sister. Which doesn't really bother me at all, the part that does though is the fact that all of my family wants ME to talk to HER. Which, yes, it sounds like I'm being prideful but out of all the shit she has done to my family I just cant. Like I literally. Just. Can't. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it before to you guys, it's a pretty long story. To sum it up she met a guy online but he is a huge douche that does nothing all day and my sister basically sustains him. Which I don't really care about because she is old enough to know what she does with her money. The part where this all goes to hell is that she is constantly asking my parents for money, help with "her"car, he's hit her and he broke her car window. So I honestly do not know how she can still be with a guy like that. Once again though my family takes her side and defends her actions with the "You don't understand what she's going though". Which pisses me off beyond compare.

Though all of this has taken it's toll on me slowly the drop that spilled the cup has been this feeling of nothingness I feel. For everything that is special to me my family has found a way to take the spotlight from me every single time. I don't know if it's purposeful or not but on three different occasions they have and it fucking hurts because I hardly ever get to have some sort of recognition for anything I do. The first was on my fifteenth birthday. Most of you guys know that Hispanics celebrate it like there's no tomorrow and it's something very special for the birthday girl. Well not me, because instead of my family or friends being there for me it mostly consisted of my family's friends getting drunk with them and me basically running the whole night because I had to refill drinks and serve food to my guests. Which I don't mind because I honestly enjoy serving people, but it was my special day and it was supposed to be the one day that I could feel like a princess.

Another time was for my high school graduation. It took forever because our graduation took place at the local university stadium we have in town that all the schools use and we were the last ones for the day. Anyway I really enjoyed it a lot because I got to find my family among the other screaming families which is close to impossible because everyone looks the same from the way bottom. I guess it helped that I was the only one with bright blue hair at the time. So once it was over and we could all go home things went south, apparently my sister went outside before all of us to wait for me to go out and got stung by an insect. Problem is that my sister is allergic to insect bites and instead of my family being happy for me, we were now all worried about my sister. Not only that but my sister, Rachel (sorry its sort of tiring writing my sister all the time), is my dad's favorite. I know that parents are supposed to see all of their kids equally but that's not the case with my parents. Rachel is my dad's favorite and Danny, my older brother, is my mom's favorite, so yea I get no one.

Yay me.

Anyway when Rachel is anyway harmed my dad has the habit of taking it out on me as if it were my fault she got hurt. So all the way home he kept asking me why I couldn't get to them sooner even though I got there pretty fast for having to literally push through about nine hundred people. He also could not stop mentioning how unfeminine and casual I was dressed to such an important event. So yea my whole graduation was ruined.

This last one was pretty recent and I guess I thought that since my sister is no longer living with us in a way (I say it like that because she keeps coming over when she needs money and clean clothes) that some recognition would finally be given to me, even if its the tiniest 'thank you' or something like that.

But no.

I had just checked to see my grades for this past semester and saw that I got the two A's I mentioned before. I was so happy I called my mom but when she answered she was crying, obviously my topic went right out the window and consoled my mom.

Her reason for crying?

My sister.

Rachel said something to her that made her cry and left me to fix the broken pieces. So for the next thirty minutes I talked to my mom and helped her feel a little better, and my special news was left forgotten. It wasn't until I told my brother at home that she found out. I know it's not a big thing but I studied really hard for my finals and it meant a lot to me for her to the first one to find out.

But c'est la vie.

The thing that really hurts though is that I literally have no one, because I can't hang out or talk to the last friend i had in person. His family thinks I'm a bad influence on him. They wouldn't be wrong. I'm a crappy friend and even worse person. Not even my friends online care and they pretty much were the only thing keeping me up. I can't write anything or make any edits, even reading has become a nuisance. Apathy has consumed me completely and I have no idea how to go back to when I actually felt something other than this stupid numbness. 

This stupid and long, I thought that maybe writing about it would make me feel better but it's just reminded me of all of the shit I feel nothing for. I might not even post this because if I do people are just going to call me "attention whore" or something along those lines, which I pretty much am. Not just that but no one really has time or cares about what I'm going through. I'll just stop this here before I cry again.

((no vibes))

becca