Self Harm: An Intimate Addiction

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is likely among the most powerful forces in the universe. The average person will say 'I'm sorry' at least two billion times in their life.

Alright, maybe I made that statistic up. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be true. However many times an average person says those two little words, you'd have to at least double it to get how many times a self-harmer would say it.

We really are sorry, you know. We're sorry that we're hurting you, hurting ourselves. We're sorry that we don't want to go to the pool, sorry that we're wearing jeans and long sleeves in summer, but we're mostly sorry that you found out.

Fortunately, there is no reason to despise yourself forever. Having cut yourself will always be something you will be ashamed of, I'm sorry to tell you. You won't always hate yourself, however, if you can learn how to forgive yourself.

Before you can ask anyone else to understand properly, or to forgive you, you have to forgive yourself. If it seems impossible to do so, just know that that is entirely normal.

I remember the first time a looked up 'help' on the internet. Ah, yes, the fine internet. Their first step is always 'learn to love yourself' or 'forgive the fact that you're not perfect'. I finally understand why those internet self-help programs didn't work. The first thing you do, with any addiction, will not be forgiving yourself. It's impossible to love yourself, your mind, your body, when you're still hurting it. That's fine, I swear.

It's comical, isn't it? The most frequently used terms in this chapter will probably be 'forgive' and 'that's fine'.  It's true though, I suppose. You won't forgive yourself immediately and that's fine. In order to forgive yourself you have to feel like you've earned it.

Seeing as one of the biggest reasons people cut is because they think they deserve it, they must first think that they deserve forgiveness. Now, there is no such thing as a 'Christian Cop-Out' when it comes to cutting.

I know, I know, it sounds like an offensive term. However, wouldn't it be nice if forgiveness was as simple as repenting the bad things you've done? Unfortunately, I've never known it to be true that simply feeling bad about harming yourself can make you open to forgiving the fact that you've done it.

Now, the topic we've all done a cntrl-f for--How do you go about forgiving yourself? I can't say.

As I stated earlier, when I first got a girlfriend I was able to forgive myself. Unfortunately, that was an entire year after I had stopped cutting. It's different for most people, and you won't get a perfect moment of sudden clarity, either. You won't be sitting on the toilet or comparing the price of two different T.V dinners and then suddenly feel happy with yourself. You'll do something, or something will happen, and you'll slowly realize that you aren't angry anymore. Guilty, maybe. Ashamed, sure. Angry? No. That's when you'll finally forgive yourself.

I had a friend who forgave herself just a few weeks after she stopped. She taught me a lot of tricks, how to make your skin freeze and burn at the same time, how to cover up scars, and how to convince yourself that what you're doing is alright. Fortunately, we used one another to get back up. Fortunately, I convinced her to tattle on herself.

Her mother gave her more support than I'm sure mine would've been capable. It was with that support she was able to forgive herself and quit, and she's a lovely person to this day. Family might be the right answer for you, but don't get bent out of shape if it isn't. Sometimes, you need to quit for you.

While I can't give you a surefire way to forgive yourself I can offer a few tips.

You'll likely be able to come to terms with yourself once you start treating yourself like you're another person. Would you let someone else cut/burn/hurt themselves while you watched? Would you tell someone else that what they're doing only affects them and is therefore fine? Would you deprive someone else of any opportunity because you felt they were inferior? If your answer to these questions is no, looking at yourself like you're someone else can make you happier.

Coming out of the closet, bettering yourself, going clean, and getting support are all ways to make yourself feel like a person. Because, really, when you self-harm, you don't feel like a person, do you? I know the feeling of being shoulder deep in cold water, crying, cutting myself aimlessly as though I was doodling on a sheet of paper. I thought of myself as something other than normal, something worse. Once I realized that I was just a person, an individual, I found happiness and I found forgiveness.

Most importantly, I'll close with this. On the issue of forgiveness, we must always remember one thing:

We do not require the forgiveness of others. We only need ourselves--but don't be afraid to look for it. After all, what could it hurt to feel loved by someone else?

Above all, I do NOT mean to tell you that you should keep to yourself on your problems. I did it for years, and so my addiction was drawn out and my recovery was rockier than a goddamn dirt road. Look for help, love, and forgiveness wherever you can find it, but don't loose hope if you can't see any. After all, you started this, and you can damn well end it.

Next chapter on: Recovery.